those weak moments were your strongest

"No matter how many times we’ve hit rock bottom, if we’ve awoken the next day, we’re already doing better than we can possibly imagine. And every day that you are able to get out of bed and go into the world and learn something, and create something, and be useful and kind to someone – no matter how small, no matter how insignificant – you’re doing really well. And on those days where you can’t muster the strength to get out of bed because everything just looks like it’s falling apart, stay in bed as long as you need to. Because on those days you’re just getting stronger to be able to continue the fight when you’re ready.

And fight you will, because in order to survive and thrive, you must. But things will get better, and if you look around you, maybe they already are. Maybe you’re smarter, maybe you’re more fearless, maybe you’re more confident and less worrisome. In some small way that you don’t even realize, I promise you’re doing better. And those small ways will one day turn into something big, and you’ll look back at how far you’ve come. You’ll realize that those weak moments were really some of your strongest moments. You’ll realize that all the fighting was preparing you for something much better; something that you might not be able to see right now.

But keep fighting because no matter where you are now, you’re not dead; and that means you’ve still got some fight in you. And as long as you keep fighting, even if it feels like that’s all you’re doing, even if this is hard to believe, believe you must, that these years will get better in time."

a constant reminder of what's no longer there

When I started writing this blog when my my marriage fell apart, I promised myself to stay true, honest and have this as an accurate story to look back on. Not to care who may stumble upon it, who may judge me. Just to write. To see how I grow. How I survived. How I learned. 

So here I go.

Monday, October 28th 

I gave my two weeks notice at my day job to finally pursue my photography business full time.

Tuesday, November 5th 

I found out I was pregnant.

Wednesday, November 13th 

I lost the pregnancy.

For the millionth time that I've written or thought this, 2013 has really been that year for me in my life. When I think it's been a difficult enough year I'm tossed something else.

The past two weeks have been a roller coaster. I was completely shocked. I truly did not think that I was even capable of getting pregnant. And it definitely was not something that was planned, expected or even in the realm of possibilities. I went from shocked, to thinking it was impossible, to being terrified, to feeling embarrassed, to feeling ashamed of myself for my horrible decision making when I thought that up until this year I made pretty solid decisions for myself, to being excited, to knowing I could make this work, to losing the pregnancy. It's been emotionally and physically draining. I've been sad, in pain, tired, relieved, guilty and a million other things. The pain is the worst part right now. A constant reminder of what's no longer there. 

So there it is. Out in the open. My life.

And now I'm dealing. I'm working through it. Taking an even harder look at my life and paving out the direction I needed to be headed in. So thankful for the love in my life that has gotten me through again and again.

your suffering polishes your soul

"It’s hard to describe how it feels to be that close to something you’ve always wanted, something that so many people say you are perfect for, only to have it slip through your fingers.

But I don’t have to tell you how it feels. I’m sure you know already, because I’m sure you’ve lost something that matters to you. I’m sure you’ve seen a dream slip away. Or lost a love that you thought would define your life. Or perhaps you made a mistake that ruined your chances of knowing the happiness you were pursuing...But the thing is, as much as you may suffer in that moment, it doesn’t last. Eventually, your broken heart heals. Your options get better. Your horizon brightens. And you keep going; you keep moving toward new goals, new happiness, and deeper love."

 

 

So 2013 has brought me so much. Suffering, heartache, new adventures, love, sadness, joy, all a huge, emotional mess.

 

This week?

 

This week was really the cherry on top of 2013. Pretty much the only thing that hadn't happened that could have happened to make everything a million times more confusing happened. So, big decisions over the next few days. Next Tuesday will be monumental in my future. Ready for monumental 2013 to end and hopefully a peaceful, easy going 2014 will take its place.

another battle closer

"Remember to give yourself a pat on the back at the end of every day,

because you’re another battle closer to winning the war."

 

Last night, I needed a million pats on the back. The past week has been more difficult than the past six months all rolled into one. The past 36 hours have been a different kind of horrible that I have yet to have experienced in this life. But in-between those horrible moments, there were moments of peace that I haven't experienced in years.

 

Everything feels like a jumbled mess of details at this point.

The story thus far goes something like this:

  

End of April  - He said he didn't want to be with me anymore.

End of April thru Beginning of May - Sobbed every day, all day, not understanding.
End of First Week of May - Found text messages to a girl he worked with. Found songs he wrote about her. Found Facebook messages to girls. Found something else that I had not disclosed to anybody up until this weekend.
First of June - Moved into my own apartment.
Mid June thru Mid July - He bombarded me, my family and friends with e-mails, texts, letters in the mail trying to do anything to win me back. I now know this was not an actual attempt to win me back because he truly loved me, it was all about finances.
Mid July - He finally realized I wasn't going to come back, got nasty, gave me the terms he wanted for the divorce. We negotiated ourselves back and forth through e-mail so that I would have everything in writing.
End of July - I put together a separation agreement per his terms, cut him a check, gave him what he wanted, he signed. I then filed the agreement with a complaint for dissolution with the court.
Beginning of September - Showed up for the hearing date, he showed up as well. He then walked out and said that he would not be complying with the terms of the separation agreement.
Mid-September - I filed a motion to convert from a dissolution to a divorce. The Court granted this and served him by certified mail. He accepted the service of documents and I heard nothing. The Court set a hearing date for November 12th.
This Past Wednesday - Received an answer to my complaint for divorce from him. 8 pages long, like a fucking diary - not a court document. All lies, all bullshit, all attacking my integrity. That night I e-mailed him and gave him one of two options. Option 1 - I hire an attorney first thing in the morning to defend myself as well as let out into the open what I found out about him during this process. Option 2 - He show up for Court on the 12th and give me the divorce that he directly caused. His response? Game on.
This Past Thursday - Retained an attorney. Put together my responses to his answers, went through years of texts/e-mails that support my answers. Proved all of his allegations wrong.
Sunday at 11PM - Got home late night, realized I hadn't checked my mail since Friday. Received a confidential letter from my bank. Rick had subpoenaed all of my bank accounts and they were going to acknowledge this subpoena and provide him with this information.
Sunday at 11:15PM - Lost my damn mind. No, really. At this point I lost my mind. It has been months of back and forth, months of me holding onto this information, months of me trying to just get this over with, to be civil, to not play dirty, to not give into what he is doing and I am done. I can't take another ounce of what he is trying to do to me. He has quit school and is dedicating his life to trying to take everything from me financially that he possibly can. You know, the whole just work hard and get ahead must not be an option for him.
Sunday at 11:30PM - Called and talked to Hope for an hour. Told her everything. The whole story. Made my decision.
Monday at 1AM - Went and filed a police report. Was there until 3AM. This was hands down the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to discuss with three men. Three officers. Me. It sucked, however, it was also a weight lifted off of me. What I had been holding onto, the most important people in my life knew and now the people who needed to know have the information.
Monday - I didn't fall asleep until 4AM, I was up at 8AM talking to my mom, Kel and Anna. Telling them everything. Spent the next few hours dealing with what had happened, preparing myself for what is going to happen over the next few weeks, getting things for my safety, contacting my attorney and advising her of everything.

 

Then I drove to Madison for a session. It ended before sunset so I had some time to go visit Zach's grave. I laid down on the grass and just cried. Cried for it all. How much life has changed since he left. Thinking about how simple life was those years ago when he was here. Missing him.
 

And then like that, I was calm. Now, today, I have done all in my power that I possibly can. The entire situation is out of my hands and in the hands of my attorney and law enforcement. The only thing I am left to do is keep myself safe and try my best to focus on my business, my job, my personal life and keep moving forward.

 

Got knocked down this past week, these past few months, now it's time to get back up.

i have to get away to refill

"People empty to me. I have to get away to refill."

 

- Charles Bukowski -

 



for some inexplicable reason

 

photo dump

This weekend flew by and left me exhausted.

Friday morning I was still in my funk. By the end of the day C, who is normally extremely decisive and fantastic at making plans (one of my many favorite things about him) was all over the place with what we should do. Our texts went something like this:

C: "How do you feel about putt putt?"
K: "I love putt putt, that sounds like fun."
C: "What about going to the theatre?"
C: "Or we could do pizza and a movie in?"
C: "Or maybe a walk and ice cream?"

Cue my calling him and telling him just to make a decision already. It was a pretty rough Friday at work after a long week and I just wanted him to make a decision. I told him that I was pretty tired but needed to get out regardless. He told me to try and be ready by 7:00 and he would make a decision by then.

So, I decided right then would be a good time to spend 35 minutes filing off my shellac that I never had removed. Also a good time to spend 15 minutes plucking my eyebrows. And then he got there. All dressed up. No overnight bag. And I was grumpy. I thought he had changed plans and wasn't going to hang out with me and I threw a semi-fit until he told me that he bought tickets for the Wale & JCole concert and we had to leave in 20 minutes...this is when I realized that spending almost an hour on filing shellac and plucking eyebrows was in fact a waste. And this is when C realized that giving advanced notice and telling a girl that she HAS to be ready at a certain time, and giving her a clue to pick out/wear something she really likes is a must.

We had so much fun. We met up with his best friend and his date and all went out for drinks and then to the concert. I have so much fun around him, all of the time. He constantly makes me laugh. Makes me feel cared for and thought about.

 

The next day I had a 12 hour wedding, followed by a night out on 25th with Eva. Woke up on Sunday, exhausted, and had a long drive for a newborn session. Which was more than worth it for the amount of baby snuggling I was able to indulge in :)

 

Met up with a friend afterwards in Lakewood to watch the game and then went home and PASSED OUT. Like, laid my head on my pillow and the next thing I knew it was two hours later.

 

 

Monday I got my hair cut, ran errands, stopped at the studio (which looks so cute for fall!) and mailed out lots of images to clients.

 

 

I also spent some time wrapping up my new client packaging for weddings and love the result.

 

 

C ended up calling off of work and we lounged in my free time and watched way too much "The First 48" and completely relaxed. I also accidentally left all of my fall decorations behind at the house so went out, picked up some new ones, decorated and burned cinnamon apple candles :)

 

dunkin

Kelly got a kitten. She heard him meowing outside of her office from the dumpster. She talked her work into letting her have the cat as a "therapy kitten" and they went for it.

Only Kel could pull that off.

I am completely smitten with sweet Dunkin.

 

She text this to me this morning.

 

 

waffles + wine

I needed a night like last night.

 

Got home, made waffles, ate them in bed while watching UP. Edited a wedding, answered e-mails and did a blog post. Took a hot shower, drank some wine. Both at the same time. Watched and fell asleep to When Harry Met Sally.

 

 

Most notable perks of living by myself so far:

 

- blasting music of my choice at any time of the day without judgment (let's be real, mostly rap);

 

- leaving my clothes laying around wherever I want because I don't have to be considerate of anyone else's use of the space;

 

- having an empty refrigerator and not feeling bad that I can't quickly whip up a meal to feed someone else;

 

- buying only groceries and drinks that I want;

 

- watching trashy TV (cue Kardashians and RHONJ) and not being judged;

 

- watching the same romcoms over and over and over, not having to add someone else's movie watching preferences into the equation;

 

- lounging around in the most ridiculous looking comfy clothes on the planet;

 

- wearing my hair in a ponytail on the top of my head because it feels so good to have my hair off of my face despite how horrible it looks;

 

- no bras. ever.

i really hope i don't ruin this

"I think things are beautiful when you don’t plan them, and you don’t have any expectations, and you’re not trying to get somewhere in particular."

"My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing."

 

My new, current life mottos.

---

Despite all of these new discovered feelings that lingered over from Sunday into Monday and now into Tuesday, C text me yesterday to say this his brother surprised his family and came home from Chicago for a quick visit. I found out yesterday around noon and had next to no time to mentally or fashionably (kidding...ok, only maybe half kidding) prepare.

 

I met his grandma, mom, brother, aunt and a few cousins.

 

His Grandma was the sweetest, tiniest lady you've ever met. She showed me all of her old photos and kept saying over and over "Sweetheart, I am 85, born in 1929 during the great depression. I would say that I've been depressed ever since but God is good. He is always good." She's adorable.

 

His Mom is beautiful. She has one of those smiles that puts you at ease and when she listens to you speak you know that she's taking in every word. She told me how much she loved my boots and C said when we left "My mom was about to steal your boots and run out the room" haha. You could tell that having both of her boys together in the same room with her meant the world.

 

His Aunt was so welcoming - gave me a big hug when I walked in and introduced me around the room.

 

I text Kel before we got to his family's house and told her that I felt like I was cheating on Rick's family. For almost a decade his family was mine and they knew me so well. It was so comfortable and easy and I always felt loved. Life is so strange.

 

It was so good to meet his family and see where he came from.

 

However, let me be real. I'm in a funk.

 

 Processing everything I'm currently processing leaves me with this overwhelming feeling that I am going to ruin things with C because I am overthinking EVERYTHING. I can't take my own advice to chill out. I don't know what it is that I need - probably just time to recover from everything that has happened. I wish that I could have met C a year down the road when I was emotionally healed from all that has happened. I really hope I don't ruin this.



another two years

"I am forced to delicately detangle everything. I am careful with the threads because I am using these same broken pieces to reweave my connection to everything without him. Mending the gaping holes in my life is probably going to be a long process. New dreams to replace those that have been destroyed? Those will have to wait. My heart can't handle that yet; it's still mourning all the dreams that will never be. I'll stick to the more concrete things for now. Like Oreos."
 

http://cuvikingadventures.blogspot.ca/

 

It was a busy but good weekend. After some relax time on Sunday with C at my place, we decided to stay the night at his house since he had to be up early. We were joking around and laughing when we walked into his building and he casually mentioned that if he decided to stay in Cleveland for two more years he was planning on moving to a different building up the street.

 

If he was going to stay for another two years.

 

That one simple sentence brought up so much that I had yet to think about and deal with. It changed my mood and instead of staying up watching movies, having a drink and laughing, I went straight to bed.

 

 

In that moment I was smacked in the face with the realization that my life plans are just that - my plans. It is up to me to figure out what I want out of my life and then go get it. I spent the last decade working toward a future with someone and now that future is resting only on my shoulders.

 

At the same time, I realized that anyone I meet will have the same future resting in their hands and their plans may be different than mine. And if that future is different than mine? Well, I don't know how or where it goes from there.

 

I've felt sad ever since.

 

a wave that rushes over you

 

Change is like a wave that rushes over you.

 

Often it’s exhilarating, bringing fresh perspectives, teaching you to look at life differently. It can be a fun adrenaline rush, pushing you to new places, making you feel alive with heightened senses…but like most good things in life Change has a dark side.

 

 Sometimes it knocks you down and tosses you about. Even crashing you into the rocky bottom, scratching you, and disorientating you so much that you don’t even know which way is up or down.

 

Oh Change, I embrace you with arms wide open even when you knock me over because when I get back up I have a new appreciation
for everything around me.

 

Summer Murdock

my three littlest loves

I spent last night with my three littlest loves.
 

These kids.

My heart could explode from love every single time I'm with them.

 

 

Because Ben is going down easier to sleep Anna said to only rock him for a minute and then put him in his crib ... but as I sat in the dark, with his blanket over my shoulder, head nuzzled into my chest and his little hands rubbing my arm, I couldn't let go.

 

I rocked in the chair with him and listened to his heavy sighs and thought about how much I hope to get to have my own someday. How the plan for my own children was so set in place and then so quickly pulled out from underneath me. Even if I don't get the chance to have my own, I'm so incredibly lucky to have two beautiful nieces and one amazing nephew that I've been able to rock to sleep for the past five years.

 

These kids, they have my heart.

get busy focusing on the good

So, life the past week and a half has been trying on so many levels. Very short recap of the bad: my soon to be ex is insane. Walked out of the divorce hearing. Harassed me via e-mails all last week. Spent the weekend e-mailing me beyond creeper status e-mails that were borderline stalker. I filed the conversion to divorce papers. He "hired" an attorney. He e-mailed me asking me to sit down and discuss what he wants from me financially.

Let me think about that.

No.

We had an open discussion already when we agreed to the terms of the separation agreement and dissolution. I gave you exactly what you wanted when it should have been the other way around.

Please get out of my life.

Now for the good:

Spent Friday evening with a friend. Listened to music, drank, ate pizza and made s'mores over my stove. It was pretty fantastic.


 

 C plays on a football league Saturday mornings so I went to the Cleveland Flea, shopped around, bought an old vintage magazine rack for my studio and ended up stopping and talked to a Jehovah's Witness for almost an hour. Why did I do that? Because I actually had time to. I actually had an hour to just say fuck it and sit and talk to some random stranger. So I did. Her name was Gail.

 

Visited my SIL, nieces and nephew. I can't get enough of these kids.

 

C came over later that night and we had big plans to go out and find a bar to watch the Mayweather fight ... instead we put on some music, poured some drinks and rented the match on TV. He was hysterical. Literally made us sit "front row" on the couch and went pretty nuts over it. The most surprising part? I was completely into it. He spent a lot of the afternoon showing me YouTube videos about boxing and Mayweather and other fighters and I was actually interested. Maybe it was the boxing itself or maybe (the more likely situation) it was just listening to C talk about it ;)

 

 

Sunday was insane. I had a senior session in the morning, baby shower in the afternoon and an engagement session an hour and a half away in the evening. When I got home I flat out crashed.

 

However, most bad ass, amazing baby shower I have ever been to. This is what happens when wedding vendors put on a baby shower:

 

Fully stocked bar (I had a grey goose and lemonade), fully catered, make your own lunch crepe station, huge dessert bar, flat screens with the Browns game on for the guys. It was amazing.

 

 

I know that the bad is going to keep coming my way for a bit while all of the details get worked out, so, I'm going to get busy focusing on the good.

we don’t have to be healed to be happy

"The part that nobody seems to acknowledge is that we don’t have to be healed to be happy. And even if we aren’t ever entirely healed, it’s the happiness we take in the parts of ourselves that are that people fall in love with, and the admittance of that, the acknowledgement that there’s more to grow with: that’s how people start to grow together.

There’s something particularly beautiful about the people that love us even though we’re not always worth loving. People who don’t back away when we’re at our lowest and most unworthy but instead step up and hold our hands and understand how we feel, because they’re human too. Love is never not going to be messy, because people are messy and feelings are even more-so. But all of that is worth it, I think, because the takeaway is that we knew to choose something far greater than the alternative."

 

 

 

"The Truth Is, Most People Aren’t Looking To Love A ‘Perfect’ Person Anyway"

Brianna Wiest - Thought Catalog

fearless

"You are fearless when you let people into your heart even if you’ve had nothing but terrible experiences in the past. What fearless people realize is that you can either cloud your heart with the ruins of your past, or you can love yourself enough to no longer need to feel validated, prideful or correct. It doesn’t matter if people are going to judge you for continuing to try. Fearless people know that you don’t fail until you stop trying."

"How To Be Fearless"
Brianna Wiest - Thought Catalog

love yourself more

"Dye your hair, get a tramp stamp, dance your face off, figure out how to put on a spare tire, run because it’s primal and freeing, volunteer at the local animal shelter because selflessness can be therapeutic, read, fail, succeed, cook alone, cook for others, burn the photographs that are too difficult to look at or keep them forever in a shoebox on the top shelf of your closet next to your favorite pair of jeans, learn to mix the perfect Bloody Mary, send yourself flowers, go on witcha bad self, have an adventure, have another adventure ...

and find a way to love yourself more than anyone else ever has. And then go out and find the person who can give you

a run for your money."

burberry therapy

So, I shopped out my feelings yesterday. I made a huge Burberry splurge at Saks and am in love. Every time I get sad now I think of my coat and am happy again, even if it's just temporary. Every single time I wear that coat I will remember the feeling of being empowered despite my circumstances in life. It's so much more than just a coat and I love what it means to me and how it makes me feel.

I have a Burberry that fits me like a glove and it's going to get me through this time in my life if it's the last thing I do.

Burberry London - Tailored Duffle Jacket

 

And I found this ThoughtCatalog article today and it describes it all perfectly.

 

"Then I saw the sweater. I saw me in the sweater. I saw the sweater in me. I wrote a novella about me walking by my ex-boyfriend on the street in the sweater. That all happened very quickly.
" 

"I Bought a $685 Gucci Sweater"
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-bought-a-685-gucci-sweater/

d-day

I really have no idea how to even start this.

I was sick for days leading up to yesterday. Nervous, anxious, sad, overwhelmed.

My mom and I spent Sunday night staying up until midnight - she colored my hair, gave me a fresh manicure and we tried on lots of different outfits and settled on a slightly showy dress that makes me feel pretty great.

And then it was Monday morning. I could have thrown up a million different times. We got up to the third floor court room and he wasn't there. I kept telling her he wasn't going to show ...

and then there he was.

And he smiled. And he joked about my mom and I both getting the same memo on wearing jean jackets. And it felt like the old Rick. And I breathed a sigh of relief because I felt like this was all going to go down well. He was going to be civil. We were going to get through the next hour and leave there feeling at peace ...

and then he showed his colors for the millionth time.

After signing in we had to go fill out one last form before the hearing. I filled it out and signed it and told him that he needed to review my answers to make sure he agreed before signing. He thumbed through it and very quietly said "this sucks." After a few deep breaths, and without looking up at me, he asked me if I was sure that this is what I wanted and I said yes. After what felt like an eternity later just sitting, staring at the papers he looked up at me and he laughed.

Laughed at me and said "I'm not going to do this." He then got up, got half way down the hallway, my mom called out to him and he turned around, laughed a bit more and repeated himself.

I was shocked, I had no idea what the hell had just happened. Before he rounded the corner all I could blurt out was "I officially hate him, I officially hate him." I dropped my head to the table and started crying uncontrollably. Then I just got pissed. So angry. The rest of the court details are unimportant but I was instructed on what I would need to do and we left.

I chain smoked, I called my biggest supporters and told them what had happened and my feelings of hate grew exponentially. I have never hated another person in my life but he has done this. He has hurt me on so many ridiculous levels and to come into that courthouse knowing full well he was going to walk out and screw me one last time - it's been enough.

And of course the crazy didn't stop there. He text my mom the majority of the afternoon/evening and the texts were all over the place. This was the general flow of messages:

 

1 - I'm so sorry, please tell her I'm sorry, she's my one true love, my best friend, my everything.

2 - I just couldn't stay, I saw my family at the courthouse and couldn't be a part of ending this.

3 - I'll be moving out of state soon anyway so tell her she'll never have to see me again.

4 - Your daughter sealed this marriage ending because she became a slut after she moved out.

5 - I would do anything to make this work.

6 - I feel convicted by God that I can't simply lay down and allow this divorce to happen.

7 - I'm going to stick around and fight for her money.

 

That's just a summary - there were lots of nasty messages to my mom. I hate him for that, too.

 

And then there was this morning.

 

I literally checked my old e-mail for the first time since May. Why I did this I have no idea. And low and behold I received an e-mail from two minutes before I signed in:

 

"I signed the dissolution against my will. I'm contesting this divorce completely. I want you to be responsible for half of the debts incurred in this marriage as of June 1st, 2013 including credit and mortgage. I will fight for a share of Full Bloom Photography. I'm taking this year off of school to fight as hard as I can. You will not screw me over."

 

And then I lost it again. So now I have to retain an attorney and fight for my business, my livelihood, my baby that I have spent my life on for the past five years. I have to fight him on stupid ridiculous shit that will not be held up anywhere like the mortgage that my name isn't even on and credit that is 150% not mine.

 

All of this on top of a full time job, a full time business and managing old and new relationships.

 

I'm tired.

 

Don't know what I would do without this lady by my side.

 

nauseous

Tomorrow it's all finalized. The hearing is at 10AM.

Yesterday's wedding was just miles from our house and as I drove back to my apartment I kept thinking about driving by the house before this is all officially done. I felt sad, empty and wishing that I was driving back to our home just one more time. But I didn't. I talked myself out of it and instead drove straight to my apartment.

Seeing him tomorrow will be the first time that I saw him since I gave Bella to him and it will more than likely be the last time I see him again. Writing that instead of just internalizing it literally makes me feel like I need to throw up.

Mom came into town yesterday and will go with me tomorrow so that eases some of the anxiety, but overall, I'm dreading it. It's equal parts dreading and relief that this will all be over. That I can officially move forward and not be bound to him legally.

Nauseous.

kurt halsey

In High School I fell in love with Kurt Halsey. I printed off every piece of his that I could find, I cut them out, collaged them in notebooks. I was that kid. And then time went on and I forgot about him.

 

I was at Target last night and saw a girl with her arms completely sleeved in his art work and ran home to browse through old pieces.

 

Still love him just as much.

maybe someday

"There is only the thing that happened, and how much it hurts, and how it ripples through the rest of the love you experience. I’m sure there are still days in which the last waves of what we had radiate through your most happy, placid moments. I’m sure they still have the ability to take root somewhere and rot out your complacency.

Memories have a way of doing that."

- Thought Catalog -

I find myself today really missing Rick's friendship. When I feel that kind of missing I try to dig as deep as a I can to make sure that it's nothing more than that and it truly isn't ever. I would love to catch up with him, hear about his life, grab a drink. Play with our dog. Tell him all about my new life and adventures. Have his company and be around someone who knew me inside and out for the better part of a decade.

Maybe someday.

mumford & sons

This past Thursday at 4:00 I got a phone call, did some last minute rearranging and drove 2+ hours through Ohio, WV and PA to go see Mumford & Sons live. Such a fun, spontaneous, much needed evening.

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes,
I struggle to find any truth in your lies,
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know,
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die,
And where you invest your love, you invest your life."

 

today

Couch, cuddles, football and his greatest love .... powerade.

i chose it and it ran its course

"I needed to marry him and he needed to marry me. Our marriage wasn't all bad either. In fact, it was mostly very good. My ex-husband and I had many great, swoonable moments in our relationship and marriage too. He could be very romantic and genuine. He always made me laugh. He appreciated me and loved me in his own way. It was a relationship that I needed to have. I am happy that I chose it.

I chose it and it ran its course.

Life has such a way, doesn't it?"

 

http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com

brave new world

As of the past few months I just can't get out of my own head. I'm in it, constantly. I'm always able to find a way to turn every situation, every comment someone makes, every look someone gives, every thought that I have into the millionth degree of what it really means. I'm guessing this is what happens when your life is turned upside down and you're trying to figure out and grasp what life actually looks like now. What this new reality means for me.

From the age of 18 on I knew what my life was going to look like long term. I knew I would be with Rick, that we would live together, get engaged, get married, buy a home, have babies and grow old together.

Now? Now it's just me. My job. My business. My apartment. And shit tons of freedom to make a million different choices to shape what my new future will look like.

It feels like a lot of pressure to try and shape this brave new world of mine and it's something that is constantly on my mind and then I get all in my head and if anything I'm doing doesn't feel like it could be permanent, or make me happy or end well, I immediately want to remove it from my life because I feel like I'm on a hard and fast path to get what I want and I need to do it as quickly as possible....andandand,

I need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

I talked to my mom for a long time last night and told her all of this, as her normal amazing self she simply told me "stop and just enjoy this. don't think, just enjoy the moments."

So this morning I ordered my first pumpkin spice coffee of the year and enjoyed it. I'm going to refocus on just enjoying the little moments instead of worrying about the big picture.

joy - the love that lasts no matter what.

 

"Love your sadness.

Sadness, I love you.

Let me give you a kiss, instead of my fist.

You’re heavy, but you’re so honest.

I should give you more credit. More space.

I’ll be grateful when you leave —

but I know I’ll be grateful that you came.

Sadness gives you the chance to be still with the most tender place of your being.

Sadness is an opportunity to deeply appreciate your losses and your longings.

Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires.
Appreciation is fuel for change.

Love gives your sadness the energy it needs to move through you… so it can move on.

By loving your sadness, you’re respecting your truth.
And freedom always follows truth."

"Anyone in the midst of big change, take note: If you excavate one area of your life, you’re going to find diamonds and stones everywhere else. It’s stunning."

 

"Joy is the fiber of your Soul. It’s the stuff of your essence. And since you, your Soul, can never be annihilated, your access to joy never vanishes. Because joy is so foundational to your true being, every other state or emotion can rest on top of joy, it can accommodate everything.

This means that it’s possible to grieve with your whole heart, and still sense your joy. You can feel rage, and be aware of joy waiting patiently for you to return, and take deep comfort in that. You can get fired, dumped, dumped on, and pulled through the eye of a needle, and still feel held by the container of joy — the truth of your existence. When you see joy beside the agony, you have the keen vision of a Soul warrior."

"It has never failed that when I have been through the most heart-breaking passages of my life — betrayal, financial hardship, divorce, dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?: The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it’s mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what’s left, what’s coming. The joy just to be part of reality. Happiness. Love it when it comes. Joy. It’s the love that lasts no matter what."

 

All quotes by the amazing and inspirational Danielle LaPorte.

country date night

Got dressed up, drove to the country, took a tour of some farms, played with baby piglets and ate a five course meal. Fancy, country date nights make for the best date nights.

auntie kay day

I was able to spend an entire day, morning until bed time with my three favorite little ones. We went to the park, had a picnic, played outside, went to get ice cream, went for a walk, took baths and read books.

amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways

The last two months with C have been amazing. Amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways. Our first "date" after the downpour of rain was at Edgewater Park again. We sat on the large rocks right by the water, he brought a blanket and a backpack filled with wine, solo cups and snacks. We sat on the rocks listening to music on his iPod, sipping wine and talked until the sun had set.

We packed up and started walking up to the cliff that overlooks the city and he grabbed my hand and we walked hand in hand for a bit. By the time we got up to the cliff it had gotten super windy so we put down the blanket again, bundled up and laid down looking out over the city. We laid on that blanket and talked and laughed for hours. We were laying on our stomachs at one point and it happened. Our first kiss. Problem was, we were shoulder to shoulder and the angle was not working. So we laughed. A lot. And had a re-do. And the re-do was perfect. Beyond perfect. And we've been kissing ever since :)

  

A few days after this I went to Chicago with Kel for a few days away and some much needed best friend time. We had floor seat tickets to see Beyoncé at the United Center and it was hands down the most amazing concert I have ever been to. We spent the rest of our time in Chicago eating, shopping, walking around, drinking and talking about everything in our life. We've been together now for 15 years and there is literally not a soul that knows either of us better. At 25, our lives are both in vastly different places than what we could have imagined for ourselves and this trip gave us a break away to dish, sort and regroup.

 

 

When I got back from Chicago C was in Columbus visiting friends so I ended up going out with some girls to 25th. The next morning, before he even made it back to his place he stopped to see me. After such a short time, I thought about him way more than I should have during my time in Chicago and I could not wait to see him again. The connection between us is undeniable and every single day it blows my mind. When he stopped over we laid on my couch for an hour just talking and catching up and holding hands and cuddling. I could have laid their all day. But it was my nieces third birthday and my mom was in town so I had to head over for her breakfast brunch which was followed by a breakfast cookout later in the day.

 

This little girl has my heart in impossible ways. Being an Aunt is the absolute best.

 

 

After the cookout I had plans to stay with C, when I showed up he had his table lit up with candles, a bottle of wine chilling and wine glasses with fruit in them, a line up of snacks and appetizers and fresh fruit. He had music playing (and BTW his taste in music is SO perfect for me - so chill, with some good happy energy) and as always we talked for hours. We sat up on his rooftop for a bit and looked over the city and fell asleep to a movie. 

 

 

We went on our first official date night out and had so much fun. He planned everything from start to finish. An adorable Italian restaurant in Lakewood, checked out the new aLoft in the flats and then went to Lava Lounge in Tremont and made that our official spot. We danced, had too many drinks, took a cab home and made ridiculous conversation with the cabbie.

 

 

And since that night, we have been inseparable. When I said earlier that everything with C has been "amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways" it really has been a whirlwind of new experiences and feelings. He has made me feel things in the last two months that I did not experience in 9 years with Rick. I always just thought of myself as being highly independent, that I loved to do things on my own and never depend on a man for my own feelings of happiness, finances, fun, etc. when in reality, I was just with someone who didn't have any of that to offer to me. I want nothing more than to spend time with C, to experience life with him NOT outside of him which is how it was with Rick. He makes me feel cared for and protected in a way that I never have before. There is a comfort in being with him that only Kel has made me feel. I can't imagine that this is what it typically feels like when you are only dating someone and learning about them ... It feels so much greater than that. So I'm going with it. I have a lot of hurdles to get over from the past few months - trust, insecurities, fear of being hurt, but C makes all of that seem worth it.