a constant reminder of what's no longer there

When I started writing this blog when my my marriage fell apart, I promised myself to stay true, honest and have this as an accurate story to look back on. Not to care who may stumble upon it, who may judge me. Just to write. To see how I grow. How I survived. How I learned. 

So here I go.

Monday, October 28th 

I gave my two weeks notice at my day job to finally pursue my photography business full time.

Tuesday, November 5th 

I found out I was pregnant.

Wednesday, November 13th 

I lost the pregnancy.

For the millionth time that I've written or thought this, 2013 has really been that year for me in my life. When I think it's been a difficult enough year I'm tossed something else.

The past two weeks have been a roller coaster. I was completely shocked. I truly did not think that I was even capable of getting pregnant. And it definitely was not something that was planned, expected or even in the realm of possibilities. I went from shocked, to thinking it was impossible, to being terrified, to feeling embarrassed, to feeling ashamed of myself for my horrible decision making when I thought that up until this year I made pretty solid decisions for myself, to being excited, to knowing I could make this work, to losing the pregnancy. It's been emotionally and physically draining. I've been sad, in pain, tired, relieved, guilty and a million other things. The pain is the worst part right now. A constant reminder of what's no longer there. 

So there it is. Out in the open. My life.

And now I'm dealing. I'm working through it. Taking an even harder look at my life and paving out the direction I needed to be headed in. So thankful for the love in my life that has gotten me through again and again.