December was fairly busy and then January and February were so, so slow. I can admit that I spent the majority of those two months curled up in bed watching Netflix or on my couch watching bad day time television. Those two months were exactly the recovery medicine that I needed for the past year. My brain had time to rest, my body had time to stop, some wounds had time to heal.
I decided on somewhat of a whim in December to get a dog. I had been thinking about it for months but with working both jobs knew that I couldn't give a dog the attention it would need. Now being at home all of the time gave me the perfect reason to make that jump. On a random Friday the week before my birthday I was browsing puppies online and found a rescue group that had only one boy and one girl left from a litter of shihtzu/jack russel mixes. I saw these cutest, furriest of all fur ball puppy photos and called right away. The boy had been picked up that morning and another family was already lined up to get the girl. They told me they'd call if the family fell through. And fall through they did! I got the phone call and on Sunday C and I drove to New Philadelphia to pick up my girl.
I could not think of a name to save my life so the whole drive down there we google searched names, shouted them out to one another, made jokes about silly names and still couldn't decide on one that I liked. Once I picked her up and brought her out to the car I called my mom to tell her all about my pup. While I was on the phone C said "I think she looks like a Zoey." And he was right. She looked EXACTLY like a Zoey.
My Zoey (aka ZoeZoe, Zoezers, Zober Zobersons) has been a life saver for me. She keeps me company, shows me unconditional love, has snuggled me through the waves of sadness over the past few months and is such good girl. She is exactly what I needed in my life.
I also decided after several talks over the past few months and a few weeks of really thinking it through, that it was best for me to end my relationship with C. Since November things between us changed in an odd way. Things went from so light hearted and fun to a more serious level that I wasn't prepared for. We stopped going out as much, he became more easily stressed by his work and was generally unhappy because of that and it was wearing on me big time. After a year of unhappiness, I'm not in a place that I can take that on for anyone else. We finally had the final conversation yesterday and it feels equal parts horrible and like a weight being lifted. I really love him and care about him in a way that I haven't for someone before and I know that he deeply loves me and is heartbroken. I've never been in this situation and it makes it even more difficult.
I read somewhere that relationships are an interesting balance between being a good match plus the timing of when you meet. I really believe that had we met a year from now things could have been different. It was too soon for me after everything I had gone through and then everything we went through in the fall, and he still has a few things that need to be pieced together before he can be in a relationship. You need to be happy with yourself before you can make someone else happy.
I get worried that because of what happened with Rick I will have a difficult time really ever forming that bond with someone else again. Like the pain of all of that broke me in some way. I feel like ending that relationship with C should be affecting me on a much deeper level but all I can think is "If I survived ending a 10 year relationship + marriage + leaving my house, I can get through anything." And that train of thought is not a good place to be in when I think that maybe you should stick it out through things like this?
I have no clue what I'm doing. I just know that I want to be happy. I don't want anyone/anything to bring me down right now. So that's the direction I'm heading in.
And that's my wonderfully, bizarre life.
