set backs

Well, Friday night at midnight I got a text from him saying "miss you kayla. hope you are getting settled and things are going well." Miss you. How do you miss someone who you said such horrible things to? Who you cheated on. Who you watched cry for weeks on end. Who you watched pack up our entire home by myself. Who you watched move out of that home and take all of our everything and our dog. Now? Now you want to miss me.

I didn't want to start a conversation so I simply wrote back "doing great. hope you are too."

The life of a wedding photographer going through a heartbreak and divorce has proven to be a pretty trying situation. Every wedding so far I start out feeling pretty great. I am always just happy for my couples, but at some point during the day something happens. Either a song is played, or hearing the vows that I said just two years ago, or watching friends and family so excited for the couple, there's that moment. The moment where I end up breaking down.

Well, the next day, during my wedding (right before the ceremony) I received these text messages:

You believe you made a terrible mistake? You did. Absolutely. You threw away nine years with me. NINE YEARS of loving you, supporting you, caring for you, committing myself to you, building a future with you. You destroyed all of that. You tried to fuck some 20 year old that you work with. You decided that going out and getting trashed until 4AM with your co-workers and hitting on some girls was way more enticing than the life we were building together. You stopped wearing your ring, you stopped sleeping in bed, you made ME feel like I was the reason our relationship was ending until I found out about your secrets. You don't get to miss me. You don't get to fuck up my day by texting me and my best friend that you suddenly have had a change of heart. And what do you think of me?! That I will just come running back to you after everything that you've done? I begged you. Sobbed to you and begged you to stay with me. To try counseling. You denied me and so I left. Not at one point did you ask me to stay. Not once. 

So on top of the struggle of shooting a wedding while my marriage is ending, I had to hear this. At first I was just pissed. I left and as I was driving home I just lost it. Pulled off of the side of the road and cried for too long. 

Then I pulled myself together. Came home and snuggled with my girl. Puppy snuggles are a sure way to get rid of all things sad in my life.

And then I woke up to this. Puppy kisses and cuddles and whines. Life is going to be fine. But right now? Right now this shit sucks.

how to bend, how to sway

we generate our own light,

to compensate,

for the lack of light from above.

every time we fight,

a cold wind blows our way,

but we learn like the trees,

how to bend.

how to sway.

 

Sarah Moon, 1975

 

settling in

Well, I'm moved in. I had great plans to go out, drink too much, dance my ass off and forget about life the night before I moved but my brain decided to stop working. I honestly felt like I was having some mild type of stroke and could not form sentences, could not get out my thoughts and could not stay awake to save my life. I think that I had been running on pure adrenalin for weeks with all of the changes that I had to make so suddenly and my brain decided that it had enough. So I slept.

When I woke up I still had to finish packing the last of my bedroom and had to get all of my laundry together. I was up until 2AM finishing the final details when Rick got home. We ended up talking for an hour or so in the basement, chain smoking cigarettes, and trying to figure out what to say. We knew it was the last night we would be in our home together and that it would be the last conversation we would have before we go to meet with the attorneys. That is a really strange feeling. It's all so final - what do you say? He said some things that way oversimplified our situation but what I remember most is when he told me "we really did have an adventure for these past nine years." We sure did. He went to bed and as I was falling asleep on the couch, in our dark over-packed living room,  he walked in and said Goodnight Kayla for the last time. I was thankful for the complete and utter exhaustion because I surely would have lost it.

I woke up on Saturday morning after just three short hours of sleep and was sad. So sad. I talked to Kelly and cried and tried to really grasp that in minutes movers would be arriving and taking all of my belongings to a new home, a new life. Before the movers got there Rick said that he was running to the gym and would be back before I left so he could say goodbye. He didn't make it back in time.

The move that was supposed to take four hours ended up taking eight. I have again never been that tired in my life. I had to sit outside by the truck for the first few hours as they worked on getting everything up the stairs to my apartment, it took everything in me not to lay down on the sidewalk and sleep. My mom called me on her drive up to tell me she had a surprise for me - when she pulled up she gave me an entire bag filled with frozen, prepackaged, homemade meals. I could have cried. She is the greatest mother and friend that I could have ever asked for.

The next day was lazyville. I stayed in these pajamas a little bit too long but it was so needed. My brother, sister-in-law, nieces and nephew stopped by to visit my new place and it was so wonderful to see them and have the energy of my favorite little ones.

Mom stayed with me until Monday afternoon and helped me unpack and organize my entire place. By the time she left almost everything was done and I felt the most settled I have felt since this entire thing began. When she left I took Bella for a walk and discovered the most amazing view of Cleveland is literally a two minute walk across the street from me.

Bella and I explored walking all around Edgewater Park for a while and we sat and enjoyed the sunshine, the breeze and the feeling of the start of our new life.

Spent the next few days tidying my place, organizing the last few things and trying to make my apartment really feel like home. It's not done yet, but it's a start that I love so far.

 

Friday night I kind of went on a date? My first official date that I have ever been on IN MY LIFE. I never properly dated Rick as we just fell into one another so this was a brand new experience for me. In no way, shape or form am I looking for a relationship - however, I had fun. I feel like I deserve some fun right now.

 



Saturday I photographed a wedding. It was one of the best weddings I have ever done. So full of love, amazing friends, amazing family and a couple truly in love. I lost it at the end of the day. Lost it. So I went from hysterical, to getting pretty, to drinking and dancing on west 6th, to a complete hangover on Sunday.

 

 

Spent some much needed time with my best friend and my pup on Sunday and Monday.

 

Went back to work yesterday and felt sad. I am trying to figure out where the sadness is coming from. From an outsiders perspective it seems like all of it is the reason for sadness but when I try to narrow it down, I really think that the sadness stems from the loss of my dreams of the life I was going to have. I had such a clear vision for what my life was going to be and now that is all gone. So Bella and I walked. And we sat by the lake for an hour in the sunshine and listened to the waves until the sunset. I'll never tire of this view.