a constant reminder of what's no longer there

When I started writing this blog when my my marriage fell apart, I promised myself to stay true, honest and have this as an accurate story to look back on. Not to care who may stumble upon it, who may judge me. Just to write. To see how I grow. How I survived. How I learned. 

So here I go.

Monday, October 28th 

I gave my two weeks notice at my day job to finally pursue my photography business full time.

Tuesday, November 5th 

I found out I was pregnant.

Wednesday, November 13th 

I lost the pregnancy.

For the millionth time that I've written or thought this, 2013 has really been that year for me in my life. When I think it's been a difficult enough year I'm tossed something else.

The past two weeks have been a roller coaster. I was completely shocked. I truly did not think that I was even capable of getting pregnant. And it definitely was not something that was planned, expected or even in the realm of possibilities. I went from shocked, to thinking it was impossible, to being terrified, to feeling embarrassed, to feeling ashamed of myself for my horrible decision making when I thought that up until this year I made pretty solid decisions for myself, to being excited, to knowing I could make this work, to losing the pregnancy. It's been emotionally and physically draining. I've been sad, in pain, tired, relieved, guilty and a million other things. The pain is the worst part right now. A constant reminder of what's no longer there. 

So there it is. Out in the open. My life.

And now I'm dealing. I'm working through it. Taking an even harder look at my life and paving out the direction I needed to be headed in. So thankful for the love in my life that has gotten me through again and again.

your suffering polishes your soul

"It’s hard to describe how it feels to be that close to something you’ve always wanted, something that so many people say you are perfect for, only to have it slip through your fingers.

But I don’t have to tell you how it feels. I’m sure you know already, because I’m sure you’ve lost something that matters to you. I’m sure you’ve seen a dream slip away. Or lost a love that you thought would define your life. Or perhaps you made a mistake that ruined your chances of knowing the happiness you were pursuing...But the thing is, as much as you may suffer in that moment, it doesn’t last. Eventually, your broken heart heals. Your options get better. Your horizon brightens. And you keep going; you keep moving toward new goals, new happiness, and deeper love."

 

 

So 2013 has brought me so much. Suffering, heartache, new adventures, love, sadness, joy, all a huge, emotional mess.

 

This week?

 

This week was really the cherry on top of 2013. Pretty much the only thing that hadn't happened that could have happened to make everything a million times more confusing happened. So, big decisions over the next few days. Next Tuesday will be monumental in my future. Ready for monumental 2013 to end and hopefully a peaceful, easy going 2014 will take its place.