dunkin

Kelly got a kitten. She heard him meowing outside of her office from the dumpster. She talked her work into letting her have the cat as a "therapy kitten" and they went for it.

Only Kel could pull that off.

I am completely smitten with sweet Dunkin.

 

She text this to me this morning.

 

 

waffles + wine

I needed a night like last night.

 

Got home, made waffles, ate them in bed while watching UP. Edited a wedding, answered e-mails and did a blog post. Took a hot shower, drank some wine. Both at the same time. Watched and fell asleep to When Harry Met Sally.

 

 

Most notable perks of living by myself so far:

 

- blasting music of my choice at any time of the day without judgment (let's be real, mostly rap);

 

- leaving my clothes laying around wherever I want because I don't have to be considerate of anyone else's use of the space;

 

- having an empty refrigerator and not feeling bad that I can't quickly whip up a meal to feed someone else;

 

- buying only groceries and drinks that I want;

 

- watching trashy TV (cue Kardashians and RHONJ) and not being judged;

 

- watching the same romcoms over and over and over, not having to add someone else's movie watching preferences into the equation;

 

- lounging around in the most ridiculous looking comfy clothes on the planet;

 

- wearing my hair in a ponytail on the top of my head because it feels so good to have my hair off of my face despite how horrible it looks;

 

- no bras. ever.

i really hope i don't ruin this

"I think things are beautiful when you don’t plan them, and you don’t have any expectations, and you’re not trying to get somewhere in particular."

"My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing."

 

My new, current life mottos.

---

Despite all of these new discovered feelings that lingered over from Sunday into Monday and now into Tuesday, C text me yesterday to say this his brother surprised his family and came home from Chicago for a quick visit. I found out yesterday around noon and had next to no time to mentally or fashionably (kidding...ok, only maybe half kidding) prepare.

 

I met his grandma, mom, brother, aunt and a few cousins.

 

His Grandma was the sweetest, tiniest lady you've ever met. She showed me all of her old photos and kept saying over and over "Sweetheart, I am 85, born in 1929 during the great depression. I would say that I've been depressed ever since but God is good. He is always good." She's adorable.

 

His Mom is beautiful. She has one of those smiles that puts you at ease and when she listens to you speak you know that she's taking in every word. She told me how much she loved my boots and C said when we left "My mom was about to steal your boots and run out the room" haha. You could tell that having both of her boys together in the same room with her meant the world.

 

His Aunt was so welcoming - gave me a big hug when I walked in and introduced me around the room.

 

I text Kel before we got to his family's house and told her that I felt like I was cheating on Rick's family. For almost a decade his family was mine and they knew me so well. It was so comfortable and easy and I always felt loved. Life is so strange.

 

It was so good to meet his family and see where he came from.

 

However, let me be real. I'm in a funk.

 

 Processing everything I'm currently processing leaves me with this overwhelming feeling that I am going to ruin things with C because I am overthinking EVERYTHING. I can't take my own advice to chill out. I don't know what it is that I need - probably just time to recover from everything that has happened. I wish that I could have met C a year down the road when I was emotionally healed from all that has happened. I really hope I don't ruin this.



another two years

"I am forced to delicately detangle everything. I am careful with the threads because I am using these same broken pieces to reweave my connection to everything without him. Mending the gaping holes in my life is probably going to be a long process. New dreams to replace those that have been destroyed? Those will have to wait. My heart can't handle that yet; it's still mourning all the dreams that will never be. I'll stick to the more concrete things for now. Like Oreos."
 

http://cuvikingadventures.blogspot.ca/

 

It was a busy but good weekend. After some relax time on Sunday with C at my place, we decided to stay the night at his house since he had to be up early. We were joking around and laughing when we walked into his building and he casually mentioned that if he decided to stay in Cleveland for two more years he was planning on moving to a different building up the street.

 

If he was going to stay for another two years.

 

That one simple sentence brought up so much that I had yet to think about and deal with. It changed my mood and instead of staying up watching movies, having a drink and laughing, I went straight to bed.

 

 

In that moment I was smacked in the face with the realization that my life plans are just that - my plans. It is up to me to figure out what I want out of my life and then go get it. I spent the last decade working toward a future with someone and now that future is resting only on my shoulders.

 

At the same time, I realized that anyone I meet will have the same future resting in their hands and their plans may be different than mine. And if that future is different than mine? Well, I don't know how or where it goes from there.

 

I've felt sad ever since.

 

a wave that rushes over you

 

Change is like a wave that rushes over you.

 

Often it’s exhilarating, bringing fresh perspectives, teaching you to look at life differently. It can be a fun adrenaline rush, pushing you to new places, making you feel alive with heightened senses…but like most good things in life Change has a dark side.

 

 Sometimes it knocks you down and tosses you about. Even crashing you into the rocky bottom, scratching you, and disorientating you so much that you don’t even know which way is up or down.

 

Oh Change, I embrace you with arms wide open even when you knock me over because when I get back up I have a new appreciation
for everything around me.

 

Summer Murdock

my three littlest loves

I spent last night with my three littlest loves.
 

These kids.

My heart could explode from love every single time I'm with them.

 

 

Because Ben is going down easier to sleep Anna said to only rock him for a minute and then put him in his crib ... but as I sat in the dark, with his blanket over my shoulder, head nuzzled into my chest and his little hands rubbing my arm, I couldn't let go.

 

I rocked in the chair with him and listened to his heavy sighs and thought about how much I hope to get to have my own someday. How the plan for my own children was so set in place and then so quickly pulled out from underneath me. Even if I don't get the chance to have my own, I'm so incredibly lucky to have two beautiful nieces and one amazing nephew that I've been able to rock to sleep for the past five years.

 

These kids, they have my heart.

get busy focusing on the good

So, life the past week and a half has been trying on so many levels. Very short recap of the bad: my soon to be ex is insane. Walked out of the divorce hearing. Harassed me via e-mails all last week. Spent the weekend e-mailing me beyond creeper status e-mails that were borderline stalker. I filed the conversion to divorce papers. He "hired" an attorney. He e-mailed me asking me to sit down and discuss what he wants from me financially.

Let me think about that.

No.

We had an open discussion already when we agreed to the terms of the separation agreement and dissolution. I gave you exactly what you wanted when it should have been the other way around.

Please get out of my life.

Now for the good:

Spent Friday evening with a friend. Listened to music, drank, ate pizza and made s'mores over my stove. It was pretty fantastic.


 

 C plays on a football league Saturday mornings so I went to the Cleveland Flea, shopped around, bought an old vintage magazine rack for my studio and ended up stopping and talked to a Jehovah's Witness for almost an hour. Why did I do that? Because I actually had time to. I actually had an hour to just say fuck it and sit and talk to some random stranger. So I did. Her name was Gail.

 

Visited my SIL, nieces and nephew. I can't get enough of these kids.

 

C came over later that night and we had big plans to go out and find a bar to watch the Mayweather fight ... instead we put on some music, poured some drinks and rented the match on TV. He was hysterical. Literally made us sit "front row" on the couch and went pretty nuts over it. The most surprising part? I was completely into it. He spent a lot of the afternoon showing me YouTube videos about boxing and Mayweather and other fighters and I was actually interested. Maybe it was the boxing itself or maybe (the more likely situation) it was just listening to C talk about it ;)

 

 

Sunday was insane. I had a senior session in the morning, baby shower in the afternoon and an engagement session an hour and a half away in the evening. When I got home I flat out crashed.

 

However, most bad ass, amazing baby shower I have ever been to. This is what happens when wedding vendors put on a baby shower:

 

Fully stocked bar (I had a grey goose and lemonade), fully catered, make your own lunch crepe station, huge dessert bar, flat screens with the Browns game on for the guys. It was amazing.

 

 

I know that the bad is going to keep coming my way for a bit while all of the details get worked out, so, I'm going to get busy focusing on the good.

we don’t have to be healed to be happy

"The part that nobody seems to acknowledge is that we don’t have to be healed to be happy. And even if we aren’t ever entirely healed, it’s the happiness we take in the parts of ourselves that are that people fall in love with, and the admittance of that, the acknowledgement that there’s more to grow with: that’s how people start to grow together.

There’s something particularly beautiful about the people that love us even though we’re not always worth loving. People who don’t back away when we’re at our lowest and most unworthy but instead step up and hold our hands and understand how we feel, because they’re human too. Love is never not going to be messy, because people are messy and feelings are even more-so. But all of that is worth it, I think, because the takeaway is that we knew to choose something far greater than the alternative."

 

 

 

"The Truth Is, Most People Aren’t Looking To Love A ‘Perfect’ Person Anyway"

Brianna Wiest - Thought Catalog

fearless

"You are fearless when you let people into your heart even if you’ve had nothing but terrible experiences in the past. What fearless people realize is that you can either cloud your heart with the ruins of your past, or you can love yourself enough to no longer need to feel validated, prideful or correct. It doesn’t matter if people are going to judge you for continuing to try. Fearless people know that you don’t fail until you stop trying."

"How To Be Fearless"
Brianna Wiest - Thought Catalog

love yourself more

"Dye your hair, get a tramp stamp, dance your face off, figure out how to put on a spare tire, run because it’s primal and freeing, volunteer at the local animal shelter because selflessness can be therapeutic, read, fail, succeed, cook alone, cook for others, burn the photographs that are too difficult to look at or keep them forever in a shoebox on the top shelf of your closet next to your favorite pair of jeans, learn to mix the perfect Bloody Mary, send yourself flowers, go on witcha bad self, have an adventure, have another adventure ...

and find a way to love yourself more than anyone else ever has. And then go out and find the person who can give you

a run for your money."

burberry therapy

So, I shopped out my feelings yesterday. I made a huge Burberry splurge at Saks and am in love. Every time I get sad now I think of my coat and am happy again, even if it's just temporary. Every single time I wear that coat I will remember the feeling of being empowered despite my circumstances in life. It's so much more than just a coat and I love what it means to me and how it makes me feel.

I have a Burberry that fits me like a glove and it's going to get me through this time in my life if it's the last thing I do.

Burberry London - Tailored Duffle Jacket

 

And I found this ThoughtCatalog article today and it describes it all perfectly.

 

"Then I saw the sweater. I saw me in the sweater. I saw the sweater in me. I wrote a novella about me walking by my ex-boyfriend on the street in the sweater. That all happened very quickly.
" 

"I Bought a $685 Gucci Sweater"
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-bought-a-685-gucci-sweater/

d-day

I really have no idea how to even start this.

I was sick for days leading up to yesterday. Nervous, anxious, sad, overwhelmed.

My mom and I spent Sunday night staying up until midnight - she colored my hair, gave me a fresh manicure and we tried on lots of different outfits and settled on a slightly showy dress that makes me feel pretty great.

And then it was Monday morning. I could have thrown up a million different times. We got up to the third floor court room and he wasn't there. I kept telling her he wasn't going to show ...

and then there he was.

And he smiled. And he joked about my mom and I both getting the same memo on wearing jean jackets. And it felt like the old Rick. And I breathed a sigh of relief because I felt like this was all going to go down well. He was going to be civil. We were going to get through the next hour and leave there feeling at peace ...

and then he showed his colors for the millionth time.

After signing in we had to go fill out one last form before the hearing. I filled it out and signed it and told him that he needed to review my answers to make sure he agreed before signing. He thumbed through it and very quietly said "this sucks." After a few deep breaths, and without looking up at me, he asked me if I was sure that this is what I wanted and I said yes. After what felt like an eternity later just sitting, staring at the papers he looked up at me and he laughed.

Laughed at me and said "I'm not going to do this." He then got up, got half way down the hallway, my mom called out to him and he turned around, laughed a bit more and repeated himself.

I was shocked, I had no idea what the hell had just happened. Before he rounded the corner all I could blurt out was "I officially hate him, I officially hate him." I dropped my head to the table and started crying uncontrollably. Then I just got pissed. So angry. The rest of the court details are unimportant but I was instructed on what I would need to do and we left.

I chain smoked, I called my biggest supporters and told them what had happened and my feelings of hate grew exponentially. I have never hated another person in my life but he has done this. He has hurt me on so many ridiculous levels and to come into that courthouse knowing full well he was going to walk out and screw me one last time - it's been enough.

And of course the crazy didn't stop there. He text my mom the majority of the afternoon/evening and the texts were all over the place. This was the general flow of messages:

 

1 - I'm so sorry, please tell her I'm sorry, she's my one true love, my best friend, my everything.

2 - I just couldn't stay, I saw my family at the courthouse and couldn't be a part of ending this.

3 - I'll be moving out of state soon anyway so tell her she'll never have to see me again.

4 - Your daughter sealed this marriage ending because she became a slut after she moved out.

5 - I would do anything to make this work.

6 - I feel convicted by God that I can't simply lay down and allow this divorce to happen.

7 - I'm going to stick around and fight for her money.

 

That's just a summary - there were lots of nasty messages to my mom. I hate him for that, too.

 

And then there was this morning.

 

I literally checked my old e-mail for the first time since May. Why I did this I have no idea. And low and behold I received an e-mail from two minutes before I signed in:

 

"I signed the dissolution against my will. I'm contesting this divorce completely. I want you to be responsible for half of the debts incurred in this marriage as of June 1st, 2013 including credit and mortgage. I will fight for a share of Full Bloom Photography. I'm taking this year off of school to fight as hard as I can. You will not screw me over."

 

And then I lost it again. So now I have to retain an attorney and fight for my business, my livelihood, my baby that I have spent my life on for the past five years. I have to fight him on stupid ridiculous shit that will not be held up anywhere like the mortgage that my name isn't even on and credit that is 150% not mine.

 

All of this on top of a full time job, a full time business and managing old and new relationships.

 

I'm tired.

 

Don't know what I would do without this lady by my side.

 

nauseous

Tomorrow it's all finalized. The hearing is at 10AM.

Yesterday's wedding was just miles from our house and as I drove back to my apartment I kept thinking about driving by the house before this is all officially done. I felt sad, empty and wishing that I was driving back to our home just one more time. But I didn't. I talked myself out of it and instead drove straight to my apartment.

Seeing him tomorrow will be the first time that I saw him since I gave Bella to him and it will more than likely be the last time I see him again. Writing that instead of just internalizing it literally makes me feel like I need to throw up.

Mom came into town yesterday and will go with me tomorrow so that eases some of the anxiety, but overall, I'm dreading it. It's equal parts dreading and relief that this will all be over. That I can officially move forward and not be bound to him legally.

Nauseous.

kurt halsey

In High School I fell in love with Kurt Halsey. I printed off every piece of his that I could find, I cut them out, collaged them in notebooks. I was that kid. And then time went on and I forgot about him.

 

I was at Target last night and saw a girl with her arms completely sleeved in his art work and ran home to browse through old pieces.

 

Still love him just as much.

maybe someday

"There is only the thing that happened, and how much it hurts, and how it ripples through the rest of the love you experience. I’m sure there are still days in which the last waves of what we had radiate through your most happy, placid moments. I’m sure they still have the ability to take root somewhere and rot out your complacency.

Memories have a way of doing that."

- Thought Catalog -

I find myself today really missing Rick's friendship. When I feel that kind of missing I try to dig as deep as a I can to make sure that it's nothing more than that and it truly isn't ever. I would love to catch up with him, hear about his life, grab a drink. Play with our dog. Tell him all about my new life and adventures. Have his company and be around someone who knew me inside and out for the better part of a decade.

Maybe someday.

mumford & sons

This past Thursday at 4:00 I got a phone call, did some last minute rearranging and drove 2+ hours through Ohio, WV and PA to go see Mumford & Sons live. Such a fun, spontaneous, much needed evening.

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes,
I struggle to find any truth in your lies,
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know,
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die,
And where you invest your love, you invest your life."