set backs

Well, Friday night at midnight I got a text from him saying "miss you kayla. hope you are getting settled and things are going well." Miss you. How do you miss someone who you said such horrible things to? Who you cheated on. Who you watched cry for weeks on end. Who you watched pack up our entire home by myself. Who you watched move out of that home and take all of our everything and our dog. Now? Now you want to miss me.

I didn't want to start a conversation so I simply wrote back "doing great. hope you are too."

The life of a wedding photographer going through a heartbreak and divorce has proven to be a pretty trying situation. Every wedding so far I start out feeling pretty great. I am always just happy for my couples, but at some point during the day something happens. Either a song is played, or hearing the vows that I said just two years ago, or watching friends and family so excited for the couple, there's that moment. The moment where I end up breaking down.

Well, the next day, during my wedding (right before the ceremony) I received these text messages:

You believe you made a terrible mistake? You did. Absolutely. You threw away nine years with me. NINE YEARS of loving you, supporting you, caring for you, committing myself to you, building a future with you. You destroyed all of that. You tried to fuck some 20 year old that you work with. You decided that going out and getting trashed until 4AM with your co-workers and hitting on some girls was way more enticing than the life we were building together. You stopped wearing your ring, you stopped sleeping in bed, you made ME feel like I was the reason our relationship was ending until I found out about your secrets. You don't get to miss me. You don't get to fuck up my day by texting me and my best friend that you suddenly have had a change of heart. And what do you think of me?! That I will just come running back to you after everything that you've done? I begged you. Sobbed to you and begged you to stay with me. To try counseling. You denied me and so I left. Not at one point did you ask me to stay. Not once. 

So on top of the struggle of shooting a wedding while my marriage is ending, I had to hear this. At first I was just pissed. I left and as I was driving home I just lost it. Pulled off of the side of the road and cried for too long. 

Then I pulled myself together. Came home and snuggled with my girl. Puppy snuggles are a sure way to get rid of all things sad in my life.

And then I woke up to this. Puppy kisses and cuddles and whines. Life is going to be fine. But right now? Right now this shit sucks.