Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary. This past Saturday was the nine year anniversary of our meeting. Nine years. We'll start there.
May 18, 2004 | Nine years ago I was young. Really young. And about to attend my first real concert, Dashboard Confessional. I was standing in a crowd with my friend and we were holding our place so that no one could push past us when this guy, this really cute guy pushed into me and I told him to "back off asshole, you're not pushing through." At that moment he looked at me, grabbed my hand and said "well, I want to get to the front so you're coming with me." And that was it. That's how nine years began. Had I been one step further to the right or left we would have never met. I always felt it was fate. That night I knew that I would marry this man.
June of 2006 | After two years, we moved in together in a loft in Ohio City that we shared with his friend and the fattest, most adorable cat you've ever met. We learned so much about one another, loved one another, figured out how to live with another person and how to start growing our life together.
July of 2007 | After a year or so in Ohio City we decided it was time to live just the two of us and we rented a pretty cute side by side home in Lakewood. We adopted a turtle named Melvin, spent some more time trying to figure out what it was that we wanted for our life together, got new jobs, bought our first holiday decorations and way over decorated our tiny space.
December 31, 2008 | It was my birthday and we made the long drive down to spend NYE with my mom and her husband in southern Ohio. We sat, talked, laughed, drank and played Guesstures. During a round of Guesstures, Rick drew a card that said "kneel" and he seized the opportunity in the middle of the game to get on one knee, pull out a ring and ask me to be his wife. That was the first time in my life I had a headache from smiling so uncontrollably. We set off fireworks at midnight and dreamed about our life together with a new ring on my finger.
June of 2009 | We moved into a new apartment in Fairview Park and I became much more serious about my photography business while we decided on a path for schooling and a career for Rick. We worked really hard, stayed up late into the night to pursue our dreams and sacrificed fun times for the future we were working toward. We brought home the most adorable beagle puppy that you've ever seen and completely fell in love with her and how much joy she added to our life.
May 21, 2011 | Our wedding day. It was perfect. We shared a first look at a bed and breakfast that overlooked Lake Erie and my husband cried, lots of tears, and told me over and over how beautiful I was. I have never been happier in my life. We were married at a winery in the middle of nowhere with our closest friends and family and felt so wonderfully surrounded by love. We left the next day for a trip to Hocking Hills and spent our days glued to one another, only leaving the cabin for adventuring through the wild. We stayed up late, drinking wine and talking about how amazing our future would be. The home that we would eventually purchase, the little ones that we would eventually have running around, accomplishing our career goals and the years of growing older alongside one another.
June 2011 - April 2013 | Our first year of marriage was stressful but we got through it and I felt like despite having lived together for so many years before we still had so much to learn about being married. After that first year I felt like we were in a much better place, learning how to communicate better, when we would have a disagreement or argument we were learning how to better relay that to the other person and also learning how to apologize and own up to what our wrongs were. On top of all of that, we were busy. Between buying a new house, a full time day job and full time photography business I had very little free time and the very little free time I did have was not filled with excitement and was not invested into our marriage. Rick was going to school and taking really difficult pre-req classes for his future goal of becoming a PA on top of working hours that were opposite of mine. Despite these difficulties we always remained involved, several phone calls/texts every day, kisses and hugs when we were able to see each other, little notes or gifts left for one another and constant reminders of our love. I had assumed that we were both on the same page with the thought process of "This sucks, I miss you and want to see you more, but we both know that it's going to be like this for a little while longer and the pay off will be so very worth it."
Four weeks ago that theory was completed flipped upside down.
I am still working through all of the pieces of this puzzle and am trying to understand how we went, in my mind, from happily in love to on our way to divorce. And because I deal with every part of life better when I am able to capture it with a camera:
I got to see my best friend immediately after the start of this and I felt very sure of being able to fix this. And then I got really sick with a bad cold.
Sat outside with a friend and drank wine and talked about everything. Did some retail therapy the next day.
Left this note on the door hoping to help him realize that what he was feeling was temporary and that our love was strong enough to get through anything. I rushed home that evening to get there before he left and sobbed when his car was gone. This was one of the worst days out of the past four weeks. None of this made sense.
I poured over old memories. I took a photo of his Facebook page because I knew it would be one of the last days it would be a photo of us and say that we were married. I found a song that he wrote for me just a few short months ago and sobbed more.
I put up photos all over the house trying again to remind him of the nine years of love that we shared. In the second photo he has his arms stretched out showing how much he loves me.
I felt like we had a break through. He got it. He realized that he was making a mistake. The next morning I found text messages to another girl. I lost my mind.
I immediately met with an attorney, contacted our realtor, called off of work, screamed, cried and was completely paralyzed by all of this. It literally felt like a horrible dream that I was going to eventually wake up from. But it was all very, very real.
I went to stay with my best friend that night. I sobbed. I was awake every other hour hoping for a text or some kind of peace offering. I woke up and sobbed more. We went to get Starbucks before I drove home and I sobbed waiting in line. When I got in my car and was ready to light my cigarette I saw this note that she wrote on my lighter. She is my strength.
I ended up going to the doctor to get a prescription for anxiety issues that I was having over the past few weeks especially with having to photograph a wedding the next day. At my doctor's appointment they weighed me and I had lost 22 pounds in just two and a half weeks.
Received another roller coaster text message and poured over years of cards, photos, notes, gifts to convince myself that I needed to try counseling. That as angry as I was, I could not throw away nine years and a future with my love.
The top photo is all of the Rick & Kayla memorabilia that I put together so that I could box it all up and not have to stumble across a photo or note and fall apart.
We had big plans for his commencement and had family coming in from out of town but when this all happened he cancelled. He called me last minute to tell me he needed me there so I went. I supported him. He hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me and that everything would be okay.
Two days later I found this slip of paper with a song titled after her. That was that.
I spent Monday searching for an apartment. I got up, got dressed, did my hair and makeup and was determined to have a full day of no tears. Mission accomplished.
I drove to Pennsylvania after looking for apartments and visited with my grandparents. They are amazing, wonderful people.
I came home from PA, packed up as much as I could in a few short hours and left a list of how some things would work, what I would be taking with me, and left my ring on the counter.
I showed up for work yesterday morning. I looked at the phone and realized that it was May 21st. I broke down. I came home, sat outside, felt the breeze and sunshine.
I went home and finished packing. Seeing our home empty out is one of the saddest realities I have ever faced.
I woke up this morning to go to work and I can't explain what I feel other than being completely numb. I can't begin to visualize what this life is going to look like. This all has transpired so quickly and I am trying my best just to hold me and my life together.
