onward and upward

The past five days have remained a roller coaster. It will never be my intention to bash, but for the sake of remembering little pieces of how this all played out and how he made it so easy for me to fall out of love with him ... Friday I got a phone call where someone felt the need to tell me he's going to go on a date with some girl he met at his gym. Mind you, we officially decided to end our marriage less than a week before this announcement. As Jay-Z would say, on to the next one.

Saturday morning was REALLY bad. Hands down the worst things that have ever been said to me escaped my husband's mouth and it was just another morning that has helped make this all so much easier on me. Imagine how difficult it would be leaving my house, leaving my husband, my love, if he was still the amazingly sweet, kind man that I have known all of these years.

I signed my lease and will have keys in my hand on Friday. I simply cannot wait. One of the most difficult parts of this entire ordeal (there have been so many) has been living in that house together. I can't wait for the separation and the moving forward. Never would I have thought I would be looking forward to such a thing. Here a few quick snaps of my new home sweet home.

 

Packing everything up on my own has also been fairly sad. It's required sifting through nine years worth of boxes with random photos, notes, cards in every little corner. My lovely friend came over to be with me on Friday evening and helped me pack up my kitchen. We also decided to leave all of my elementary school trophies next to his coffee pot as the perfect reminder of the real winner that he is losing ;)

 

Also, pretty funny, my mom is a nurse manager of an OB clinic - she's pretty much the queen of turning anything into an OB related joke. I love her.



 

Last night I got home from a few client meetings and was outside on the phone and he came out to smoke. I looked at him, with his band t-shirt, corduroys, red converse and fedora and listening to him speak I couldn't believe how I felt. I felt nothing. I have never looked at this man since the moment I met him and felt nothing. It's amazing how much can change in just one short month.

 

I went inside and fell asleep at 9:30 and did not wake up until 7:00. It was the first night in over a month that I slept through the night, peacefully. I have high hopes that life is about to be really, really great.



this is life

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary. This past Saturday was the nine year anniversary of our meeting. Nine years. We'll start there.

May 18, 2004 | Nine years ago I was young. Really young. And about to attend my first real concert, Dashboard Confessional. I was standing in a crowd with my friend and we were holding our place so that no one could push past us when this guy, this really cute guy pushed into me and I told him to "back off asshole, you're not pushing through." At that moment he looked at me, grabbed my hand and said "well, I want to get to the front so you're coming with me." And that was it. That's how nine years began. Had I been one step further to the right or left we would have never met. I always felt it was fate. That night I knew that I would marry this man.

June of 2006 | After two years, we moved in together in a loft in Ohio City that we shared with his friend and the fattest, most adorable cat you've ever met. We learned so much about one another, loved one another, figured out how to live with another person and how to start growing our life together.

July of 2007 | After a year or so in Ohio City we decided it was time to live just the two of us and we rented a pretty cute side by side home in Lakewood. We adopted a turtle named Melvin, spent some more time trying to figure out what it was that we wanted for our life together, got new jobs, bought our first holiday decorations and way over decorated our tiny space.

December 31, 2008 |  It was my birthday and we made the long drive down to spend NYE with my mom and her husband in southern Ohio. We sat, talked, laughed, drank and played Guesstures. During a round of Guesstures, Rick drew a card that said "kneel" and he seized the opportunity in the middle of the game to get on one knee, pull out a ring and ask me to be his wife. That was the first time in my life I had a headache from smiling so uncontrollably. We set off fireworks at midnight and dreamed about our life together with a new ring on my finger.

June of 2009 | We moved into a new apartment in Fairview Park and I became much more serious about my photography business while we decided on a path for schooling and a career for Rick. We worked really hard, stayed up late into the night to pursue our dreams and sacrificed fun times for the future we were working toward. We brought home the most adorable beagle puppy that you've ever seen and completely fell in love with her and how much joy she added to our life.

May 21, 2011 | Our wedding day. It was perfect. We shared a first look at a bed and breakfast that overlooked Lake Erie and my husband cried, lots of tears, and told me over and over how beautiful I was. I have never been happier in my life. We were married at a winery in the middle of nowhere with our closest friends and family and felt so wonderfully surrounded by love. We left the next day for a trip to Hocking Hills and spent our days glued to one another, only leaving the cabin for adventuring through the wild. We stayed up late, drinking wine and talking about how amazing our future would be. The home that we would eventually purchase, the little ones that we would eventually have running around, accomplishing our career goals and the years of growing older alongside one another.

June 2011 - April 2013 | Our first year of marriage was stressful but we got through it and I felt like despite having lived together for so many years before we still had so much to learn about being married. After that first year I felt like we were in a much better place, learning how to communicate better, when we would have a disagreement or argument we were learning how to better relay that to the other person and also learning how to apologize and own up to what our wrongs were. On top of all of that, we were busy. Between buying a new house, a full time day job and full time photography business I had very little free time and the very little free time I did have was not filled with excitement and was not invested into our marriage. Rick was going to school and taking really difficult pre-req classes for his future goal of becoming a PA on top of working hours that were opposite of mine. Despite these difficulties we always remained involved, several phone calls/texts every day, kisses and hugs when we were able to see each other, little notes or gifts left for one another and constant reminders of our love. I had assumed that we were both on the same page with the thought process of "This sucks, I miss you and want to see you more, but we both know that it's going to be like this for a little while longer and the pay off will be so very worth it."

Four weeks ago that theory was completed flipped upside down.

I am still working through all of the pieces of this puzzle and am trying to understand how we went, in my mind, from happily in love to on our way to divorce. And because I deal with every part of life better when I am able to capture it with a camera:



I got to see my best friend immediately after the start of this and I felt very sure of being able to fix this. And then I got really sick with a bad cold.

Sat outside with a friend and drank wine and talked about everything. Did some retail therapy the next day.

Left this note on the door hoping to help him realize that what he was feeling was temporary and that our love was strong enough to get through anything. I rushed home that evening to get there before he left and sobbed when his car was gone. This was one of the worst days out of the past four weeks. None of this made sense.

I poured over old memories. I took a photo of his Facebook page because I knew it would be one of the last days it would be a photo of us and say that we were married. I found a song that he wrote for me just a few short months ago and sobbed more.

I put up photos all over the house trying again to remind him of the nine years of love that we shared. In the second photo he has his arms stretched out showing how much he loves me.

I felt like we had a break through. He got it. He realized that he was making a mistake. The next morning I found text messages to another girl. I lost my mind.

I immediately met with an attorney, contacted our realtor, called off of work, screamed, cried and was completely paralyzed by all of this. It literally felt like a horrible dream that I was going to eventually wake up from. But it was all very, very real.

I went to stay with my best friend that night. I sobbed. I was awake every other hour hoping for a text or some kind of peace offering. I woke up and sobbed more. We went to get Starbucks before I drove home and I sobbed waiting in line. When I got in my car and was ready to light my cigarette I saw this note that she wrote on my lighter. She is my strength.

I ended up going to the doctor to get a prescription for anxiety issues that I was having over the past few weeks especially with having to photograph a wedding the next day. At my doctor's appointment they weighed me and I had lost 22 pounds in just two and a half weeks.

Received another roller coaster text message and poured over years of cards, photos, notes, gifts to convince myself that I needed to try counseling. That as angry as I was, I could not throw away nine years and a future with my love.

The top photo is all of the Rick & Kayla memorabilia that I put together so that I could box it all up and not have to stumble across a photo or note and fall apart.

We had big plans for his commencement and had family coming in from out of town but when this all happened he cancelled. He called me last minute to tell me he needed me there so I went. I supported him. He hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me and that everything would be okay.

Two days later I found this slip of paper with a song titled after her. That was that.

I spent Monday searching for an apartment. I got up, got dressed, did my hair and makeup and was determined to have a full day of no tears. Mission accomplished.

I drove to Pennsylvania after looking for apartments and visited with my grandparents. They are amazing, wonderful people.

I came home from PA, packed up as much as I could in a few short hours and left a list of how some things would work, what I would be taking with me, and left my ring on the counter.

I showed up for work yesterday morning. I looked at the phone and realized that it was May 21st. I broke down. I came home, sat outside, felt the breeze and sunshine. 

I went home and finished packing. Seeing our home empty out is one of the saddest realities I have ever faced.

I woke up this morning to go to work and I can't explain what I feel other than being completely numb. I can't begin to visualize what this life is going to look like. This all has transpired so quickly and I am trying my best just to hold me and my life together.

a song to feel | sufjan stevens

  

I fell in love again
All things go, all things go
Drove to Chicago
All things know, all things know
...
You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
...
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go
...
I drove to New York
In the van, with my friend
We slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
...
I was in love with the place
In my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind
...
You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
...
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go
...
If I was crying
In the van, with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land
...
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

on the day of my death

I saw this posted on Twitter yesterday and have to share it here. So, when I get burned out, or feel like my work is so so tiny and small and insignificant, I can come back and read this.

http://photofocus.com/2012/09/29/on-the-day-of-my-death/

On The Day Of My Death

by Scott Bourne

"This post is a bit off the beaten path but there is a point. If you don’t want to go on reading, here is the executive summary. Photography is fun, it’s also very, very important. So do a good job. Watch the video above to get the six-minute version of why photography matters.

For those of you reading on, this may seem off-putting or morbid or even depressing. That is NOT my intention. In fact as I write this, I am in a great and happy mood. I am trying to make a point that has become very important to me as I get closer to the end of my life. My hope is that I can pass this on to those who are further away from that day than I – and that you will make the most of it.

I am much older than the average Photofocus reader. I’ve lived a generally charmed life. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had plenty of challenges, and made plenty of mistakes. I’ve had to overcome them all. But I’ve also had tremendous joy and success. The mistakes I made in my life are past. The bad things that happened to me are also past. I learned long ago that I can’t change the past and what matters most is what I do next. That’s where I’ve found success. It’s always in that NEXT moment. It’s one of the advantages of aging (yes there are a few!) I have the wisdom to apply the knowledge I’ve gained throughout my lifetime. In my case, my wisdom is to recognize that the successes I’ve had are all tied one way or another to photography. I’ve learned the importance of helping others by using a camera. I wish I had learned this earlier. I hope you learn it sooner than I did, and that this post gets you headed in that direction.

Almost everything good that has happened to me has happened to me because of (or surrounding) my love of making photographs. Telling people’s stories, capturing special moments, sharing, and protecting them – it’s all been amazing.

But we all owe a debt. Tomorrow is promised to no one. My time will come soon enough. Actually, I have no way to know when I will die, but I suspect it is going to be sooner rather than later. So I’ve been thinking about it. And it’s been quite freeing. Especially since I’ve come to realize, it will be no big deal.

On the day of my death – nothing will really change. The daily newspaper will be delivered, the dry cleaning will still need to be picked up. If it’s a Friday, the detailer will still come out of habit and detail whatever car I have sitting in the driveway – (He’ll be surprised when he rings the doorbell and I’m not there to pay him!) People will argue online about Mac v. Windows, Android v. iPhone. Folks will do their grocery shopping, go to the movies, read a book, drink a coffee and water their lawns. The dog will get his walk and the pool man will come rake the leaves out of the pool. The sun will rise and set as always. Virtually nobody and I mean nobody will notice my passing. Life will go on – except for me – and that’s the way it should be. That is the order of things. I used to wonder about it but now I see it’s beauty and simplicity. The fact that we know we will die incites us to do great things while we are alive.

We each have (on average) 2.5 billion seconds to do what we’re here to do. I have used as many of those seconds as I can making photographs. I have no children. I have no grandchildren. On the day of my death, those photographs will be all that’s really left of me. They are my progeny. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been so intertwined with photography. It’s a way for me to leave some small sliver of myself behind for others. It’s proof of my very existence.

It might be easy to confuse the difference between an insignificant life and an insignificant death. I don’t think my life or any life is insignificant. So please read carefully. I am saying my death will be insignificant. Not my life. The reason for this discussion is simple. I am trying to share the importance of making meaningful images. They will live on past all of us. Whether you have children or not, the images you make today may outlive you AND your children.

My photography is my only chance I have to exercise control over my fate. My photographs are all that will be left of me when I go. I think about this every day. Not in a morbid way. But in a hopeful one. I don’t fear death. I actually embrace the concept. I realize that the tall old trees in the forest need to fall so that light can filter down to the smaller, younger trees. It’s an important part of life’s cycle. Because like all humans, I am self-aware. I think about the chance I have to matter even after I pass.

While the day of my death will be routine – it is my hope that for those who go on past me, their routine may be occasionally – if only for a second – impacted by a memory of one of my photographs, or my books, or my posters, or my training videos or my talks at a photo convention, etc.

What causes me to think about this so often is the fact that many of my subjects are not self-aware. The eagles, bears, mountain lions and wolves I’ve photographed don’t have the curse or the blessing (depending on how you look at it) of knowing they are mortal. They just do what they are supposed to do every day. For them, there is only the now. There is no tomorrow. I wonder what our lives would be like if we could live that way too?

When you make your next photograph, think about how important it just might be. It might be the last photo made of that subject – or YOUR last photo – period. Make sure it’s a good one. That way – whether anybody notices you’re gone or not – they will notice that you were here.

I hope you see just how important this business of memory protection really is and that you will get as much from photography as I have. We will meet at the end of the road one day. I suspect we’ll still be able to see each other’s “portfolio” in that next place. I’m looking forward to seeing what each of you accomplishes on your journey to the end of the road and I hope you make it a meaningful trip."

it's finally fall | all things pumpkin

I decided to take the last two nights off of editing and relax ... and bake :) I have been craving all things pumpkin and made two fall recipes. The first were pumpkin spice rice krispies which of course are ridiculously simple and delicious and the second recipe, a little piece of heaven in each bite, Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese Muffins.

 

Here's the recipe for the best pumpkin muffins you'll ever have:

 

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins

 

24 Muffins

 

Ingredients:

 

For the Filling

8 oz. Cream Cheese, Softened

1 Cup Confectioner's Sugar

 

For the Muffins

3 Cups All-Purpose Flour

1 Tsp. Ground Cinnamon

1 Tsp. Ground Nutmeg

1 Tsp. Ground Cloves

1 Tbsp. + 1 Tsp. Pumpkin Pie Spice

1 Tsp. Salt

1 Tsp. Baking Soda

4 Large Eggs

2 Cups Sugar

2 Cups Pumpkin Puree

1 1/4 Cups Vegetable Oil

 

For the Topping

1/2 Cup Sugar

5 Tbsp. Flour

1 1/2 Tsp. Ground Cinnamon

4 Tbsp. Cold, Unsalted Butter, Cut Into Pieces

 

Directions

1. To prepare the filling, combine the cream cheese and confectioners' sugar in a medium bowl and mix well until blended and smooth. Transfer the mixture to a piece of plastic wrap and shape into a log about 1 1/2" in diameter. Smooth the plastic wrap tightly around the log and reinforce with a piece of foil. Transfer to the freezer and chill until at least slightly firm, at least one hour.

 

2. To make the muffins, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin pans with paper liners. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, pumpkin pie spice, salt and baking soda; whisk to blend. In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the eggs, sugar, pumpkin puree and oil. Mix on medium-low speed until blended. With the mixer on low speed, add in the dry ingredients, mixing until just incorporated.

 

3. To make the topping, combine the sugar, flour and cinnamon in a small bowl; whisk to blend. Add in the butter pieces and cut into the dry ingredients with a pastry blender or two forks until the mixture is coarse and crumbly. Transfer to the refrigerator until ready to use.

 

4. To assemble the muffins, fill each muffin well with a small amount of batter, just enough to cover the bottom of the liner (1-2 tablespoons). Slice the lof of creame cheese filling into 24 equal pieces. Place a slice of cream cheese mixture into each muffin well. Divide the remaining batter among the muffin cups, placing on top of the cream cheese to cover completely. Sprinkle a small amount of the topping mixture over each of the muffin wells.

 

5. Bake for 20-25 minutes. Transfer to wire rach and let cool completely before serving.

 

** Side note, I had some left over batter and topping so I used a mini muffin pan and made mini-muffins for my nieces :) **

 

fire starter sessions | session one

photo by s. zamil

I am making it a point to really take my time and answer the questions throughout this book as honestly as I can. I started off trying to answer them on a whim so that I could move on and devour the book, but I knew that the answers wouldn't be honest to my core. The answers below have been thought about and worked over and over, over the past few weeks. It might take me longer to get through this book but I'm okay with that :)

What are you intensely interested in? While you're at it, include your moderate curiosities.

I am intensely interested in people and their life experiences. How they feel about life, what they've chosen for their life, who they spend their life with, what they embrace, what they are passionate about, what makes them tick, laugh, love, cry, angry, curious, jealous and exhilirated.

I am intensely interested in traveling and seeing new places, exploring new cities, feeling any energy and culture that is so different from where I live. Walking around new places and exploring by myself, forming opinions and thoughts and feelings on my own.

I am intensely interested in love and how each person falls into it, nourishes it, cherishes it, grows and holds onto it.

I am moderately curious about spirituality and religion.
|  |  | 

You go to the best cocktail party ever. It's a life-changing event because you meet the most with-it, interesting, empowered people, and each of them can contribute to your career and interests in some way ... 

|  |  |  

Who was there?

I don't really look up to specific people - it is more personality traits, successes and failures that I aspire to rather than an actual person. If I had to answer this question with life stories - this is who would be there:

- Someone who started out with nothing and became fabulously successful personally and financially.
- Someone who had a life set out for them but decided to go against the grain and completely change their path.
- Someone who has been married for 25+ years and is still crazy in love.
- Someone who has decided to go about life on their own, as a single woman, and has made one hell of an adventure for herself.
- Someone who has left their hometown for a new city to live in with nothing waiting there for them.
|  |  |  

What kind of information did they share with you?

 Each of the above would share with me how they got where they are in life. And why. Why they chose the life that they did, because each of those lifestyles do not just happen to someone. They require you to make decisions and to consciously shape your own life.
|  |  |  

What did they ask you?

 Exactly what I asked them. Because the process of talking through your ideas and life with other like-minded people can, in my experience, help you to see your life and your dreams more clearly.
|  |  |  

How did they offer to help you?

 They wouldn't have to offer any type of help - listening to their stories, asking questions and learning from each of those experiences would be such great guidance in and of itself.
 |  |  | 

What could you talk about late into the night with like-minded people without running of things to say?
After this weekend, I learned that the answer to this would be anything that involves passion. If someone is a passionate human being, whether they are passionate about art and life or cookies and milk - it doesn't matter to me. True passion is the most interesting component, in my opinion, to a person.
|  |  |
I'm still thinking about these last two questions - I'll come back to them soon.

What activities make you feel really useful, alive, and strong?

When do you feel like a rock star, a gifted contributor, a very cool and purposeful human being? In terms of things you do, when do you feel most like yourself?

What do you want to be known for?

vivian maier | chicago history museum

I have this habit. I have a hard time just laying in bed, turning off the day and falling asleep. I'm on a computer from 8:30-5:00 and then come home and am typically on a computer editing/working from 6:00-11:00 or later. By the time I lay down, I need something to take my mind off of the day. 

Lately, I've been filling that time using my iPad and watching videos online about photography, photographers, the history of photography, different techniques. 

This is how I discovered Vivian Maier.

Research her. Watch the news special on YouTube that a local Chicago station picked up. The story is incredible and the lingering mystery about who she was adds to the magic of her images. If you're lucky enough to get out to Chicago, go visit the History Museum and see her exhibit.

After learning about Maier, my newest Christmas wish list dreams? A Rolleiflex.