brave new world

As of the past few months I just can't get out of my own head. I'm in it, constantly. I'm always able to find a way to turn every situation, every comment someone makes, every look someone gives, every thought that I have into the millionth degree of what it really means. I'm guessing this is what happens when your life is turned upside down and you're trying to figure out and grasp what life actually looks like now. What this new reality means for me.

From the age of 18 on I knew what my life was going to look like long term. I knew I would be with Rick, that we would live together, get engaged, get married, buy a home, have babies and grow old together.

Now? Now it's just me. My job. My business. My apartment. And shit tons of freedom to make a million different choices to shape what my new future will look like.

It feels like a lot of pressure to try and shape this brave new world of mine and it's something that is constantly on my mind and then I get all in my head and if anything I'm doing doesn't feel like it could be permanent, or make me happy or end well, I immediately want to remove it from my life because I feel like I'm on a hard and fast path to get what I want and I need to do it as quickly as possible....andandand,

I need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

I talked to my mom for a long time last night and told her all of this, as her normal amazing self she simply told me "stop and just enjoy this. don't think, just enjoy the moments."

So this morning I ordered my first pumpkin spice coffee of the year and enjoyed it. I'm going to refocus on just enjoying the little moments instead of worrying about the big picture.

joy - the love that lasts no matter what.

 

"Love your sadness.

Sadness, I love you.

Let me give you a kiss, instead of my fist.

You’re heavy, but you’re so honest.

I should give you more credit. More space.

I’ll be grateful when you leave —

but I know I’ll be grateful that you came.

Sadness gives you the chance to be still with the most tender place of your being.

Sadness is an opportunity to deeply appreciate your losses and your longings.

Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires.
Appreciation is fuel for change.

Love gives your sadness the energy it needs to move through you… so it can move on.

By loving your sadness, you’re respecting your truth.
And freedom always follows truth."

"Anyone in the midst of big change, take note: If you excavate one area of your life, you’re going to find diamonds and stones everywhere else. It’s stunning."

 

"Joy is the fiber of your Soul. It’s the stuff of your essence. And since you, your Soul, can never be annihilated, your access to joy never vanishes. Because joy is so foundational to your true being, every other state or emotion can rest on top of joy, it can accommodate everything.

This means that it’s possible to grieve with your whole heart, and still sense your joy. You can feel rage, and be aware of joy waiting patiently for you to return, and take deep comfort in that. You can get fired, dumped, dumped on, and pulled through the eye of a needle, and still feel held by the container of joy — the truth of your existence. When you see joy beside the agony, you have the keen vision of a Soul warrior."

"It has never failed that when I have been through the most heart-breaking passages of my life — betrayal, financial hardship, divorce, dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?: The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it’s mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what’s left, what’s coming. The joy just to be part of reality. Happiness. Love it when it comes. Joy. It’s the love that lasts no matter what."

 

All quotes by the amazing and inspirational Danielle LaPorte.

country date night

Got dressed up, drove to the country, took a tour of some farms, played with baby piglets and ate a five course meal. Fancy, country date nights make for the best date nights.

auntie kay day

I was able to spend an entire day, morning until bed time with my three favorite little ones. We went to the park, had a picnic, played outside, went to get ice cream, went for a walk, took baths and read books.

amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways

The last two months with C have been amazing. Amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways. Our first "date" after the downpour of rain was at Edgewater Park again. We sat on the large rocks right by the water, he brought a blanket and a backpack filled with wine, solo cups and snacks. We sat on the rocks listening to music on his iPod, sipping wine and talked until the sun had set.

We packed up and started walking up to the cliff that overlooks the city and he grabbed my hand and we walked hand in hand for a bit. By the time we got up to the cliff it had gotten super windy so we put down the blanket again, bundled up and laid down looking out over the city. We laid on that blanket and talked and laughed for hours. We were laying on our stomachs at one point and it happened. Our first kiss. Problem was, we were shoulder to shoulder and the angle was not working. So we laughed. A lot. And had a re-do. And the re-do was perfect. Beyond perfect. And we've been kissing ever since :)

  

A few days after this I went to Chicago with Kel for a few days away and some much needed best friend time. We had floor seat tickets to see Beyoncé at the United Center and it was hands down the most amazing concert I have ever been to. We spent the rest of our time in Chicago eating, shopping, walking around, drinking and talking about everything in our life. We've been together now for 15 years and there is literally not a soul that knows either of us better. At 25, our lives are both in vastly different places than what we could have imagined for ourselves and this trip gave us a break away to dish, sort and regroup.

 

 

When I got back from Chicago C was in Columbus visiting friends so I ended up going out with some girls to 25th. The next morning, before he even made it back to his place he stopped to see me. After such a short time, I thought about him way more than I should have during my time in Chicago and I could not wait to see him again. The connection between us is undeniable and every single day it blows my mind. When he stopped over we laid on my couch for an hour just talking and catching up and holding hands and cuddling. I could have laid their all day. But it was my nieces third birthday and my mom was in town so I had to head over for her breakfast brunch which was followed by a breakfast cookout later in the day.

 

This little girl has my heart in impossible ways. Being an Aunt is the absolute best.

 

 

After the cookout I had plans to stay with C, when I showed up he had his table lit up with candles, a bottle of wine chilling and wine glasses with fruit in them, a line up of snacks and appetizers and fresh fruit. He had music playing (and BTW his taste in music is SO perfect for me - so chill, with some good happy energy) and as always we talked for hours. We sat up on his rooftop for a bit and looked over the city and fell asleep to a movie. 

 

 

We went on our first official date night out and had so much fun. He planned everything from start to finish. An adorable Italian restaurant in Lakewood, checked out the new aLoft in the flats and then went to Lava Lounge in Tremont and made that our official spot. We danced, had too many drinks, took a cab home and made ridiculous conversation with the cabbie.

 

 

And since that night, we have been inseparable. When I said earlier that everything with C has been "amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways" it really has been a whirlwind of new experiences and feelings. He has made me feel things in the last two months that I did not experience in 9 years with Rick. I always just thought of myself as being highly independent, that I loved to do things on my own and never depend on a man for my own feelings of happiness, finances, fun, etc. when in reality, I was just with someone who didn't have any of that to offer to me. I want nothing more than to spend time with C, to experience life with him NOT outside of him which is how it was with Rick. He makes me feel cared for and protected in a way that I never have before. There is a comfort in being with him that only Kel has made me feel. I can't imagine that this is what it typically feels like when you are only dating someone and learning about them ... It feels so much greater than that. So I'm going with it. I have a lot of hurdles to get over from the past few months - trust, insecurities, fear of being hurt, but C makes all of that seem worth it.

 



like a story just waiting to be told

Life's timing is something to be admired. It's something that I have learned can't be planned, can't be guessed, can't be changed. Timing can be the most wonderful of and the most terrible of gifts. I am also learning that when it seems like the most terrible gift, it will turn itself around and give you the most wonderful gift in its place.

I wasn't planning for this to happen. I had these grand visions of single life, of being fiercely independent, spending my weekends with the girls, drinking, dancing, enjoying life and all that I could make of it on my own. And then I met someone. Yep. Met someone. We'll call him C.

Just in the short time I was on my own I had met people. Gone out, given my number, danced, a few random dates and hang outs but nothing at all serious. Nothing that I even gave the thought of possibly entertaining liking someone in any way other than to have some fun. And then there was C. And that's how life's timing throws you for a loop.

We had met briefly. Text non-stop for days, texting turned into late night phone calls. After a week of this we had gotten off the phone one night around 9PM so that I could finish some editing and almost as soon as I hung up C text me and said that he wanted to come see me (oh, and the places life puts you, as in C lives literally one mile down the road from me). This is where I had a decision - embrace my new life, be a little spontaneous and make some memories or be responsible, rational and work for the night and hold out another week until our first official date was planned.

I opted to be spontaneous. I told him that I would be outside of my apartment in a half hour. I grabbed my quilt, two to-go mugs filled with jack and coke and sat outside waiting. He rode over on his adorable-y vintage bike and we walked across the street to the park.

 

We sat down on the picnic tables at 10:30, in the pitch black with one simple parking lot light barely giving us some light to see each other and a cop car too close for comfort that I thought our first night together might end up in handcuffs for drinking in a public park.

We sat at that picnic table and talked for thirty minutes. He was so cute. The first person I have been fully attracted to on a physical level in a really, really long time. His mannerisms were adorable, the way he talked with his hands and seemed to get a bit shy when making eye contact for too long. It was our first 'real' meeting. After the week of non-stop conversation it seemed that there was already a connection and in the first thirty minutes it was confirmed.

And that's when the rain started.

And that's when this seemingly simple night felt so much like a movie. Like a story just waiting to be told.

It was not a soft, dreamy, pretty drizzle, we're talking the worst rain Ohio has seen this year. It was a downpour. We tried hiding under the trees and tried to use my quilt as a shelter but we ended up getting tangled up in it and I was in tears from laughing at how ridiculous the situation was. The rain died down for a bit so we went back to the picnic table. I sat on top of the table and he sat facing me. We talked for hours. Hours. And it felt like just minutes that had passed.

And then the rain started again. Even heavier than before, and this time, no sign of letting up. So we moved closer, put the quilt over us, his arm around me and just sat ...

In the dark. At 3AM. In the pouring rain.

When I got back inside I was soaked, head to toe. And happy in all the same places.

Life hasn't been quite the same since.

Timing can be the most wonderful gift.

rest your arms, rest your legs

So much has happened in the month since I last wrote. To summarize the past month of Rick, the consistent factor would be his trying to win me back. The crazy part of this is that it is equal amounts of trying to win me back while also saying horribly mean things about me and dumping guilt and fault onto me for this situation. It's not really worth investing my energy or time into writing it all out. I don't want to remember the words he said, the feelings he placed on me are enough to never forget.

The worst part of this was that I had to give Bella back to him. He wanted to include a custody clause in the final agreement and my attorney advised that it would basically mean that I would be forced to see him every other week so that he could have her and I would be dealing with him indefinitely. I miss my dog but I know that he will take good care of her and that she is back at her home with a yard to run around in. Her photos are still plastered all over my apartment and hopefully the heat of this situation eventually cools and I will be able to see her again.

Last night Kelly gave me some advice to just allow myself to be getting divorced. To allow myself to just be in the situation, feel it and embrace it. So I did. I smoked, I drank wine out of my favorite coffee mug, I wore my wedding ring, I sang Conor Oberst songs for three hours straight. I met up with someone later that night (we'll go into this more soon) and sat at the park and talked for hours. I allowed myself to be in it. I can't imagine my life without a best friend like Kelly to remind me just to stop and be when it's necessary.

Today he showed up at my work place to sign the final documents and take the ring back and the settlement I gave to him.

Thirty minutes after he left the office cheering, I got this text message. Mind you, I have initiated zero contact with him throughout the past two months. Lord Westfall, I will not contact you henceforth.

I am constantly surprised that a situation that caused me so much heartbreak, stress and uncertainty has turned into one of the best things to ever happen to me.