auntie kay day

I was able to spend an entire day, morning until bed time with my three favorite little ones. We went to the park, had a picnic, played outside, went to get ice cream, went for a walk, took baths and read books.

amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways

The last two months with C have been amazing. Amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways. Our first "date" after the downpour of rain was at Edgewater Park again. We sat on the large rocks right by the water, he brought a blanket and a backpack filled with wine, solo cups and snacks. We sat on the rocks listening to music on his iPod, sipping wine and talked until the sun had set.

We packed up and started walking up to the cliff that overlooks the city and he grabbed my hand and we walked hand in hand for a bit. By the time we got up to the cliff it had gotten super windy so we put down the blanket again, bundled up and laid down looking out over the city. We laid on that blanket and talked and laughed for hours. We were laying on our stomachs at one point and it happened. Our first kiss. Problem was, we were shoulder to shoulder and the angle was not working. So we laughed. A lot. And had a re-do. And the re-do was perfect. Beyond perfect. And we've been kissing ever since :)

  

A few days after this I went to Chicago with Kel for a few days away and some much needed best friend time. We had floor seat tickets to see Beyoncé at the United Center and it was hands down the most amazing concert I have ever been to. We spent the rest of our time in Chicago eating, shopping, walking around, drinking and talking about everything in our life. We've been together now for 15 years and there is literally not a soul that knows either of us better. At 25, our lives are both in vastly different places than what we could have imagined for ourselves and this trip gave us a break away to dish, sort and regroup.

 

 

When I got back from Chicago C was in Columbus visiting friends so I ended up going out with some girls to 25th. The next morning, before he even made it back to his place he stopped to see me. After such a short time, I thought about him way more than I should have during my time in Chicago and I could not wait to see him again. The connection between us is undeniable and every single day it blows my mind. When he stopped over we laid on my couch for an hour just talking and catching up and holding hands and cuddling. I could have laid their all day. But it was my nieces third birthday and my mom was in town so I had to head over for her breakfast brunch which was followed by a breakfast cookout later in the day.

 

This little girl has my heart in impossible ways. Being an Aunt is the absolute best.

 

 

After the cookout I had plans to stay with C, when I showed up he had his table lit up with candles, a bottle of wine chilling and wine glasses with fruit in them, a line up of snacks and appetizers and fresh fruit. He had music playing (and BTW his taste in music is SO perfect for me - so chill, with some good happy energy) and as always we talked for hours. We sat up on his rooftop for a bit and looked over the city and fell asleep to a movie. 

 

 

We went on our first official date night out and had so much fun. He planned everything from start to finish. An adorable Italian restaurant in Lakewood, checked out the new aLoft in the flats and then went to Lava Lounge in Tremont and made that our official spot. We danced, had too many drinks, took a cab home and made ridiculous conversation with the cabbie.

 

 

And since that night, we have been inseparable. When I said earlier that everything with C has been "amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways" it really has been a whirlwind of new experiences and feelings. He has made me feel things in the last two months that I did not experience in 9 years with Rick. I always just thought of myself as being highly independent, that I loved to do things on my own and never depend on a man for my own feelings of happiness, finances, fun, etc. when in reality, I was just with someone who didn't have any of that to offer to me. I want nothing more than to spend time with C, to experience life with him NOT outside of him which is how it was with Rick. He makes me feel cared for and protected in a way that I never have before. There is a comfort in being with him that only Kel has made me feel. I can't imagine that this is what it typically feels like when you are only dating someone and learning about them ... It feels so much greater than that. So I'm going with it. I have a lot of hurdles to get over from the past few months - trust, insecurities, fear of being hurt, but C makes all of that seem worth it.

 



like a story just waiting to be told

Life's timing is something to be admired. It's something that I have learned can't be planned, can't be guessed, can't be changed. Timing can be the most wonderful of and the most terrible of gifts. I am also learning that when it seems like the most terrible gift, it will turn itself around and give you the most wonderful gift in its place.

I wasn't planning for this to happen. I had these grand visions of single life, of being fiercely independent, spending my weekends with the girls, drinking, dancing, enjoying life and all that I could make of it on my own. And then I met someone. Yep. Met someone. We'll call him C.

Just in the short time I was on my own I had met people. Gone out, given my number, danced, a few random dates and hang outs but nothing at all serious. Nothing that I even gave the thought of possibly entertaining liking someone in any way other than to have some fun. And then there was C. And that's how life's timing throws you for a loop.

We had met briefly. Text non-stop for days, texting turned into late night phone calls. After a week of this we had gotten off the phone one night around 9PM so that I could finish some editing and almost as soon as I hung up C text me and said that he wanted to come see me (oh, and the places life puts you, as in C lives literally one mile down the road from me). This is where I had a decision - embrace my new life, be a little spontaneous and make some memories or be responsible, rational and work for the night and hold out another week until our first official date was planned.

I opted to be spontaneous. I told him that I would be outside of my apartment in a half hour. I grabbed my quilt, two to-go mugs filled with jack and coke and sat outside waiting. He rode over on his adorable-y vintage bike and we walked across the street to the park.

 

We sat down on the picnic tables at 10:30, in the pitch black with one simple parking lot light barely giving us some light to see each other and a cop car too close for comfort that I thought our first night together might end up in handcuffs for drinking in a public park.

We sat at that picnic table and talked for thirty minutes. He was so cute. The first person I have been fully attracted to on a physical level in a really, really long time. His mannerisms were adorable, the way he talked with his hands and seemed to get a bit shy when making eye contact for too long. It was our first 'real' meeting. After the week of non-stop conversation it seemed that there was already a connection and in the first thirty minutes it was confirmed.

And that's when the rain started.

And that's when this seemingly simple night felt so much like a movie. Like a story just waiting to be told.

It was not a soft, dreamy, pretty drizzle, we're talking the worst rain Ohio has seen this year. It was a downpour. We tried hiding under the trees and tried to use my quilt as a shelter but we ended up getting tangled up in it and I was in tears from laughing at how ridiculous the situation was. The rain died down for a bit so we went back to the picnic table. I sat on top of the table and he sat facing me. We talked for hours. Hours. And it felt like just minutes that had passed.

And then the rain started again. Even heavier than before, and this time, no sign of letting up. So we moved closer, put the quilt over us, his arm around me and just sat ...

In the dark. At 3AM. In the pouring rain.

When I got back inside I was soaked, head to toe. And happy in all the same places.

Life hasn't been quite the same since.

Timing can be the most wonderful gift.

rest your arms, rest your legs

So much has happened in the month since I last wrote. To summarize the past month of Rick, the consistent factor would be his trying to win me back. The crazy part of this is that it is equal amounts of trying to win me back while also saying horribly mean things about me and dumping guilt and fault onto me for this situation. It's not really worth investing my energy or time into writing it all out. I don't want to remember the words he said, the feelings he placed on me are enough to never forget.

The worst part of this was that I had to give Bella back to him. He wanted to include a custody clause in the final agreement and my attorney advised that it would basically mean that I would be forced to see him every other week so that he could have her and I would be dealing with him indefinitely. I miss my dog but I know that he will take good care of her and that she is back at her home with a yard to run around in. Her photos are still plastered all over my apartment and hopefully the heat of this situation eventually cools and I will be able to see her again.

Last night Kelly gave me some advice to just allow myself to be getting divorced. To allow myself to just be in the situation, feel it and embrace it. So I did. I smoked, I drank wine out of my favorite coffee mug, I wore my wedding ring, I sang Conor Oberst songs for three hours straight. I met up with someone later that night (we'll go into this more soon) and sat at the park and talked for hours. I allowed myself to be in it. I can't imagine my life without a best friend like Kelly to remind me just to stop and be when it's necessary.

Today he showed up at my work place to sign the final documents and take the ring back and the settlement I gave to him.

Thirty minutes after he left the office cheering, I got this text message. Mind you, I have initiated zero contact with him throughout the past two months. Lord Westfall, I will not contact you henceforth.

I am constantly surprised that a situation that caused me so much heartbreak, stress and uncertainty has turned into one of the best things to ever happen to me. 

set backs

Well, Friday night at midnight I got a text from him saying "miss you kayla. hope you are getting settled and things are going well." Miss you. How do you miss someone who you said such horrible things to? Who you cheated on. Who you watched cry for weeks on end. Who you watched pack up our entire home by myself. Who you watched move out of that home and take all of our everything and our dog. Now? Now you want to miss me.

I didn't want to start a conversation so I simply wrote back "doing great. hope you are too."

The life of a wedding photographer going through a heartbreak and divorce has proven to be a pretty trying situation. Every wedding so far I start out feeling pretty great. I am always just happy for my couples, but at some point during the day something happens. Either a song is played, or hearing the vows that I said just two years ago, or watching friends and family so excited for the couple, there's that moment. The moment where I end up breaking down.

Well, the next day, during my wedding (right before the ceremony) I received these text messages:

You believe you made a terrible mistake? You did. Absolutely. You threw away nine years with me. NINE YEARS of loving you, supporting you, caring for you, committing myself to you, building a future with you. You destroyed all of that. You tried to fuck some 20 year old that you work with. You decided that going out and getting trashed until 4AM with your co-workers and hitting on some girls was way more enticing than the life we were building together. You stopped wearing your ring, you stopped sleeping in bed, you made ME feel like I was the reason our relationship was ending until I found out about your secrets. You don't get to miss me. You don't get to fuck up my day by texting me and my best friend that you suddenly have had a change of heart. And what do you think of me?! That I will just come running back to you after everything that you've done? I begged you. Sobbed to you and begged you to stay with me. To try counseling. You denied me and so I left. Not at one point did you ask me to stay. Not once. 

So on top of the struggle of shooting a wedding while my marriage is ending, I had to hear this. At first I was just pissed. I left and as I was driving home I just lost it. Pulled off of the side of the road and cried for too long. 

Then I pulled myself together. Came home and snuggled with my girl. Puppy snuggles are a sure way to get rid of all things sad in my life.

And then I woke up to this. Puppy kisses and cuddles and whines. Life is going to be fine. But right now? Right now this shit sucks.

how to bend, how to sway

we generate our own light,

to compensate,

for the lack of light from above.

every time we fight,

a cold wind blows our way,

but we learn like the trees,

how to bend.

how to sway.

 

Sarah Moon, 1975

 

settling in

Well, I'm moved in. I had great plans to go out, drink too much, dance my ass off and forget about life the night before I moved but my brain decided to stop working. I honestly felt like I was having some mild type of stroke and could not form sentences, could not get out my thoughts and could not stay awake to save my life. I think that I had been running on pure adrenalin for weeks with all of the changes that I had to make so suddenly and my brain decided that it had enough. So I slept.

When I woke up I still had to finish packing the last of my bedroom and had to get all of my laundry together. I was up until 2AM finishing the final details when Rick got home. We ended up talking for an hour or so in the basement, chain smoking cigarettes, and trying to figure out what to say. We knew it was the last night we would be in our home together and that it would be the last conversation we would have before we go to meet with the attorneys. That is a really strange feeling. It's all so final - what do you say? He said some things that way oversimplified our situation but what I remember most is when he told me "we really did have an adventure for these past nine years." We sure did. He went to bed and as I was falling asleep on the couch, in our dark over-packed living room,  he walked in and said Goodnight Kayla for the last time. I was thankful for the complete and utter exhaustion because I surely would have lost it.

I woke up on Saturday morning after just three short hours of sleep and was sad. So sad. I talked to Kelly and cried and tried to really grasp that in minutes movers would be arriving and taking all of my belongings to a new home, a new life. Before the movers got there Rick said that he was running to the gym and would be back before I left so he could say goodbye. He didn't make it back in time.

The move that was supposed to take four hours ended up taking eight. I have again never been that tired in my life. I had to sit outside by the truck for the first few hours as they worked on getting everything up the stairs to my apartment, it took everything in me not to lay down on the sidewalk and sleep. My mom called me on her drive up to tell me she had a surprise for me - when she pulled up she gave me an entire bag filled with frozen, prepackaged, homemade meals. I could have cried. She is the greatest mother and friend that I could have ever asked for.

The next day was lazyville. I stayed in these pajamas a little bit too long but it was so needed. My brother, sister-in-law, nieces and nephew stopped by to visit my new place and it was so wonderful to see them and have the energy of my favorite little ones.

Mom stayed with me until Monday afternoon and helped me unpack and organize my entire place. By the time she left almost everything was done and I felt the most settled I have felt since this entire thing began. When she left I took Bella for a walk and discovered the most amazing view of Cleveland is literally a two minute walk across the street from me.

Bella and I explored walking all around Edgewater Park for a while and we sat and enjoyed the sunshine, the breeze and the feeling of the start of our new life.

Spent the next few days tidying my place, organizing the last few things and trying to make my apartment really feel like home. It's not done yet, but it's a start that I love so far.

 

Friday night I kind of went on a date? My first official date that I have ever been on IN MY LIFE. I never properly dated Rick as we just fell into one another so this was a brand new experience for me. In no way, shape or form am I looking for a relationship - however, I had fun. I feel like I deserve some fun right now.

 



Saturday I photographed a wedding. It was one of the best weddings I have ever done. So full of love, amazing friends, amazing family and a couple truly in love. I lost it at the end of the day. Lost it. So I went from hysterical, to getting pretty, to drinking and dancing on west 6th, to a complete hangover on Sunday.

 

 

Spent some much needed time with my best friend and my pup on Sunday and Monday.

 

Went back to work yesterday and felt sad. I am trying to figure out where the sadness is coming from. From an outsiders perspective it seems like all of it is the reason for sadness but when I try to narrow it down, I really think that the sadness stems from the loss of my dreams of the life I was going to have. I had such a clear vision for what my life was going to be and now that is all gone. So Bella and I walked. And we sat by the lake for an hour in the sunshine and listened to the waves until the sunset. I'll never tire of this view.