another two years

"I am forced to delicately detangle everything. I am careful with the threads because I am using these same broken pieces to reweave my connection to everything without him. Mending the gaping holes in my life is probably going to be a long process. New dreams to replace those that have been destroyed? Those will have to wait. My heart can't handle that yet; it's still mourning all the dreams that will never be. I'll stick to the more concrete things for now. Like Oreos."
 

http://cuvikingadventures.blogspot.ca/

 

It was a busy but good weekend. After some relax time on Sunday with C at my place, we decided to stay the night at his house since he had to be up early. We were joking around and laughing when we walked into his building and he casually mentioned that if he decided to stay in Cleveland for two more years he was planning on moving to a different building up the street.

 

If he was going to stay for another two years.

 

That one simple sentence brought up so much that I had yet to think about and deal with. It changed my mood and instead of staying up watching movies, having a drink and laughing, I went straight to bed.

 

 

In that moment I was smacked in the face with the realization that my life plans are just that - my plans. It is up to me to figure out what I want out of my life and then go get it. I spent the last decade working toward a future with someone and now that future is resting only on my shoulders.

 

At the same time, I realized that anyone I meet will have the same future resting in their hands and their plans may be different than mine. And if that future is different than mine? Well, I don't know how or where it goes from there.

 

I've felt sad ever since.