another battle closer

"Remember to give yourself a pat on the back at the end of every day,

because you’re another battle closer to winning the war."

 

Last night, I needed a million pats on the back. The past week has been more difficult than the past six months all rolled into one. The past 36 hours have been a different kind of horrible that I have yet to have experienced in this life. But in-between those horrible moments, there were moments of peace that I haven't experienced in years.

 

Everything feels like a jumbled mess of details at this point.

The story thus far goes something like this:

  

End of April  - He said he didn't want to be with me anymore.

End of April thru Beginning of May - Sobbed every day, all day, not understanding.
End of First Week of May - Found text messages to a girl he worked with. Found songs he wrote about her. Found Facebook messages to girls. Found something else that I had not disclosed to anybody up until this weekend.
First of June - Moved into my own apartment.
Mid June thru Mid July - He bombarded me, my family and friends with e-mails, texts, letters in the mail trying to do anything to win me back. I now know this was not an actual attempt to win me back because he truly loved me, it was all about finances.
Mid July - He finally realized I wasn't going to come back, got nasty, gave me the terms he wanted for the divorce. We negotiated ourselves back and forth through e-mail so that I would have everything in writing.
End of July - I put together a separation agreement per his terms, cut him a check, gave him what he wanted, he signed. I then filed the agreement with a complaint for dissolution with the court.
Beginning of September - Showed up for the hearing date, he showed up as well. He then walked out and said that he would not be complying with the terms of the separation agreement.
Mid-September - I filed a motion to convert from a dissolution to a divorce. The Court granted this and served him by certified mail. He accepted the service of documents and I heard nothing. The Court set a hearing date for November 12th.
This Past Wednesday - Received an answer to my complaint for divorce from him. 8 pages long, like a fucking diary - not a court document. All lies, all bullshit, all attacking my integrity. That night I e-mailed him and gave him one of two options. Option 1 - I hire an attorney first thing in the morning to defend myself as well as let out into the open what I found out about him during this process. Option 2 - He show up for Court on the 12th and give me the divorce that he directly caused. His response? Game on.
This Past Thursday - Retained an attorney. Put together my responses to his answers, went through years of texts/e-mails that support my answers. Proved all of his allegations wrong.
Sunday at 11PM - Got home late night, realized I hadn't checked my mail since Friday. Received a confidential letter from my bank. Rick had subpoenaed all of my bank accounts and they were going to acknowledge this subpoena and provide him with this information.
Sunday at 11:15PM - Lost my damn mind. No, really. At this point I lost my mind. It has been months of back and forth, months of me holding onto this information, months of me trying to just get this over with, to be civil, to not play dirty, to not give into what he is doing and I am done. I can't take another ounce of what he is trying to do to me. He has quit school and is dedicating his life to trying to take everything from me financially that he possibly can. You know, the whole just work hard and get ahead must not be an option for him.
Sunday at 11:30PM - Called and talked to Hope for an hour. Told her everything. The whole story. Made my decision.
Monday at 1AM - Went and filed a police report. Was there until 3AM. This was hands down the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to discuss with three men. Three officers. Me. It sucked, however, it was also a weight lifted off of me. What I had been holding onto, the most important people in my life knew and now the people who needed to know have the information.
Monday - I didn't fall asleep until 4AM, I was up at 8AM talking to my mom, Kel and Anna. Telling them everything. Spent the next few hours dealing with what had happened, preparing myself for what is going to happen over the next few weeks, getting things for my safety, contacting my attorney and advising her of everything.

 

Then I drove to Madison for a session. It ended before sunset so I had some time to go visit Zach's grave. I laid down on the grass and just cried. Cried for it all. How much life has changed since he left. Thinking about how simple life was those years ago when he was here. Missing him.
 

And then like that, I was calm. Now, today, I have done all in my power that I possibly can. The entire situation is out of my hands and in the hands of my attorney and law enforcement. The only thing I am left to do is keep myself safe and try my best to focus on my business, my job, my personal life and keep moving forward.

 

Got knocked down this past week, these past few months, now it's time to get back up.

i have to get away to refill

"People empty to me. I have to get away to refill."

 

- Charles Bukowski -

 



for some inexplicable reason

 

photo dump

This weekend flew by and left me exhausted.

Friday morning I was still in my funk. By the end of the day C, who is normally extremely decisive and fantastic at making plans (one of my many favorite things about him) was all over the place with what we should do. Our texts went something like this:

C: "How do you feel about putt putt?"
K: "I love putt putt, that sounds like fun."
C: "What about going to the theatre?"
C: "Or we could do pizza and a movie in?"
C: "Or maybe a walk and ice cream?"

Cue my calling him and telling him just to make a decision already. It was a pretty rough Friday at work after a long week and I just wanted him to make a decision. I told him that I was pretty tired but needed to get out regardless. He told me to try and be ready by 7:00 and he would make a decision by then.

So, I decided right then would be a good time to spend 35 minutes filing off my shellac that I never had removed. Also a good time to spend 15 minutes plucking my eyebrows. And then he got there. All dressed up. No overnight bag. And I was grumpy. I thought he had changed plans and wasn't going to hang out with me and I threw a semi-fit until he told me that he bought tickets for the Wale & JCole concert and we had to leave in 20 minutes...this is when I realized that spending almost an hour on filing shellac and plucking eyebrows was in fact a waste. And this is when C realized that giving advanced notice and telling a girl that she HAS to be ready at a certain time, and giving her a clue to pick out/wear something she really likes is a must.

We had so much fun. We met up with his best friend and his date and all went out for drinks and then to the concert. I have so much fun around him, all of the time. He constantly makes me laugh. Makes me feel cared for and thought about.

 

The next day I had a 12 hour wedding, followed by a night out on 25th with Eva. Woke up on Sunday, exhausted, and had a long drive for a newborn session. Which was more than worth it for the amount of baby snuggling I was able to indulge in :)

 

Met up with a friend afterwards in Lakewood to watch the game and then went home and PASSED OUT. Like, laid my head on my pillow and the next thing I knew it was two hours later.

 

 

Monday I got my hair cut, ran errands, stopped at the studio (which looks so cute for fall!) and mailed out lots of images to clients.

 

 

I also spent some time wrapping up my new client packaging for weddings and love the result.

 

 

C ended up calling off of work and we lounged in my free time and watched way too much "The First 48" and completely relaxed. I also accidentally left all of my fall decorations behind at the house so went out, picked up some new ones, decorated and burned cinnamon apple candles :)

 

dunkin

Kelly got a kitten. She heard him meowing outside of her office from the dumpster. She talked her work into letting her have the cat as a "therapy kitten" and they went for it.

Only Kel could pull that off.

I am completely smitten with sweet Dunkin.

 

She text this to me this morning.

 

 

waffles + wine

I needed a night like last night.

 

Got home, made waffles, ate them in bed while watching UP. Edited a wedding, answered e-mails and did a blog post. Took a hot shower, drank some wine. Both at the same time. Watched and fell asleep to When Harry Met Sally.

 

 

Most notable perks of living by myself so far:

 

- blasting music of my choice at any time of the day without judgment (let's be real, mostly rap);

 

- leaving my clothes laying around wherever I want because I don't have to be considerate of anyone else's use of the space;

 

- having an empty refrigerator and not feeling bad that I can't quickly whip up a meal to feed someone else;

 

- buying only groceries and drinks that I want;

 

- watching trashy TV (cue Kardashians and RHONJ) and not being judged;

 

- watching the same romcoms over and over and over, not having to add someone else's movie watching preferences into the equation;

 

- lounging around in the most ridiculous looking comfy clothes on the planet;

 

- wearing my hair in a ponytail on the top of my head because it feels so good to have my hair off of my face despite how horrible it looks;

 

- no bras. ever.

i really hope i don't ruin this

"I think things are beautiful when you don’t plan them, and you don’t have any expectations, and you’re not trying to get somewhere in particular."

"My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing."

 

My new, current life mottos.

---

Despite all of these new discovered feelings that lingered over from Sunday into Monday and now into Tuesday, C text me yesterday to say this his brother surprised his family and came home from Chicago for a quick visit. I found out yesterday around noon and had next to no time to mentally or fashionably (kidding...ok, only maybe half kidding) prepare.

 

I met his grandma, mom, brother, aunt and a few cousins.

 

His Grandma was the sweetest, tiniest lady you've ever met. She showed me all of her old photos and kept saying over and over "Sweetheart, I am 85, born in 1929 during the great depression. I would say that I've been depressed ever since but God is good. He is always good." She's adorable.

 

His Mom is beautiful. She has one of those smiles that puts you at ease and when she listens to you speak you know that she's taking in every word. She told me how much she loved my boots and C said when we left "My mom was about to steal your boots and run out the room" haha. You could tell that having both of her boys together in the same room with her meant the world.

 

His Aunt was so welcoming - gave me a big hug when I walked in and introduced me around the room.

 

I text Kel before we got to his family's house and told her that I felt like I was cheating on Rick's family. For almost a decade his family was mine and they knew me so well. It was so comfortable and easy and I always felt loved. Life is so strange.

 

It was so good to meet his family and see where he came from.

 

However, let me be real. I'm in a funk.

 

 Processing everything I'm currently processing leaves me with this overwhelming feeling that I am going to ruin things with C because I am overthinking EVERYTHING. I can't take my own advice to chill out. I don't know what it is that I need - probably just time to recover from everything that has happened. I wish that I could have met C a year down the road when I was emotionally healed from all that has happened. I really hope I don't ruin this.