today

Couch, cuddles, football and his greatest love .... powerade.

i chose it and it ran its course

"I needed to marry him and he needed to marry me. Our marriage wasn't all bad either. In fact, it was mostly very good. My ex-husband and I had many great, swoonable moments in our relationship and marriage too. He could be very romantic and genuine. He always made me laugh. He appreciated me and loved me in his own way. It was a relationship that I needed to have. I am happy that I chose it.

I chose it and it ran its course.

Life has such a way, doesn't it?"

 

http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com

brave new world

As of the past few months I just can't get out of my own head. I'm in it, constantly. I'm always able to find a way to turn every situation, every comment someone makes, every look someone gives, every thought that I have into the millionth degree of what it really means. I'm guessing this is what happens when your life is turned upside down and you're trying to figure out and grasp what life actually looks like now. What this new reality means for me.

From the age of 18 on I knew what my life was going to look like long term. I knew I would be with Rick, that we would live together, get engaged, get married, buy a home, have babies and grow old together.

Now? Now it's just me. My job. My business. My apartment. And shit tons of freedom to make a million different choices to shape what my new future will look like.

It feels like a lot of pressure to try and shape this brave new world of mine and it's something that is constantly on my mind and then I get all in my head and if anything I'm doing doesn't feel like it could be permanent, or make me happy or end well, I immediately want to remove it from my life because I feel like I'm on a hard and fast path to get what I want and I need to do it as quickly as possible....andandand,

I need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

I talked to my mom for a long time last night and told her all of this, as her normal amazing self she simply told me "stop and just enjoy this. don't think, just enjoy the moments."

So this morning I ordered my first pumpkin spice coffee of the year and enjoyed it. I'm going to refocus on just enjoying the little moments instead of worrying about the big picture.

joy - the love that lasts no matter what.

 

"Love your sadness.

Sadness, I love you.

Let me give you a kiss, instead of my fist.

You’re heavy, but you’re so honest.

I should give you more credit. More space.

I’ll be grateful when you leave —

but I know I’ll be grateful that you came.

Sadness gives you the chance to be still with the most tender place of your being.

Sadness is an opportunity to deeply appreciate your losses and your longings.

Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires.
Appreciation is fuel for change.

Love gives your sadness the energy it needs to move through you… so it can move on.

By loving your sadness, you’re respecting your truth.
And freedom always follows truth."

"Anyone in the midst of big change, take note: If you excavate one area of your life, you’re going to find diamonds and stones everywhere else. It’s stunning."

 

"Joy is the fiber of your Soul. It’s the stuff of your essence. And since you, your Soul, can never be annihilated, your access to joy never vanishes. Because joy is so foundational to your true being, every other state or emotion can rest on top of joy, it can accommodate everything.

This means that it’s possible to grieve with your whole heart, and still sense your joy. You can feel rage, and be aware of joy waiting patiently for you to return, and take deep comfort in that. You can get fired, dumped, dumped on, and pulled through the eye of a needle, and still feel held by the container of joy — the truth of your existence. When you see joy beside the agony, you have the keen vision of a Soul warrior."

"It has never failed that when I have been through the most heart-breaking passages of my life — betrayal, financial hardship, divorce, dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?: The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it’s mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what’s left, what’s coming. The joy just to be part of reality. Happiness. Love it when it comes. Joy. It’s the love that lasts no matter what."

 

All quotes by the amazing and inspirational Danielle LaPorte.

country date night

Got dressed up, drove to the country, took a tour of some farms, played with baby piglets and ate a five course meal. Fancy, country date nights make for the best date nights.

auntie kay day

I was able to spend an entire day, morning until bed time with my three favorite little ones. We went to the park, had a picnic, played outside, went to get ice cream, went for a walk, took baths and read books.

amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways

The last two months with C have been amazing. Amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways. Our first "date" after the downpour of rain was at Edgewater Park again. We sat on the large rocks right by the water, he brought a blanket and a backpack filled with wine, solo cups and snacks. We sat on the rocks listening to music on his iPod, sipping wine and talked until the sun had set.

We packed up and started walking up to the cliff that overlooks the city and he grabbed my hand and we walked hand in hand for a bit. By the time we got up to the cliff it had gotten super windy so we put down the blanket again, bundled up and laid down looking out over the city. We laid on that blanket and talked and laughed for hours. We were laying on our stomachs at one point and it happened. Our first kiss. Problem was, we were shoulder to shoulder and the angle was not working. So we laughed. A lot. And had a re-do. And the re-do was perfect. Beyond perfect. And we've been kissing ever since :)

  

A few days after this I went to Chicago with Kel for a few days away and some much needed best friend time. We had floor seat tickets to see Beyoncé at the United Center and it was hands down the most amazing concert I have ever been to. We spent the rest of our time in Chicago eating, shopping, walking around, drinking and talking about everything in our life. We've been together now for 15 years and there is literally not a soul that knows either of us better. At 25, our lives are both in vastly different places than what we could have imagined for ourselves and this trip gave us a break away to dish, sort and regroup.

 

 

When I got back from Chicago C was in Columbus visiting friends so I ended up going out with some girls to 25th. The next morning, before he even made it back to his place he stopped to see me. After such a short time, I thought about him way more than I should have during my time in Chicago and I could not wait to see him again. The connection between us is undeniable and every single day it blows my mind. When he stopped over we laid on my couch for an hour just talking and catching up and holding hands and cuddling. I could have laid their all day. But it was my nieces third birthday and my mom was in town so I had to head over for her breakfast brunch which was followed by a breakfast cookout later in the day.

 

This little girl has my heart in impossible ways. Being an Aunt is the absolute best.

 

 

After the cookout I had plans to stay with C, when I showed up he had his table lit up with candles, a bottle of wine chilling and wine glasses with fruit in them, a line up of snacks and appetizers and fresh fruit. He had music playing (and BTW his taste in music is SO perfect for me - so chill, with some good happy energy) and as always we talked for hours. We sat up on his rooftop for a bit and looked over the city and fell asleep to a movie. 

 

 

We went on our first official date night out and had so much fun. He planned everything from start to finish. An adorable Italian restaurant in Lakewood, checked out the new aLoft in the flats and then went to Lava Lounge in Tremont and made that our official spot. We danced, had too many drinks, took a cab home and made ridiculous conversation with the cabbie.

 

 

And since that night, we have been inseparable. When I said earlier that everything with C has been "amazing in wonderful, strange, scary new ways" it really has been a whirlwind of new experiences and feelings. He has made me feel things in the last two months that I did not experience in 9 years with Rick. I always just thought of myself as being highly independent, that I loved to do things on my own and never depend on a man for my own feelings of happiness, finances, fun, etc. when in reality, I was just with someone who didn't have any of that to offer to me. I want nothing more than to spend time with C, to experience life with him NOT outside of him which is how it was with Rick. He makes me feel cared for and protected in a way that I never have before. There is a comfort in being with him that only Kel has made me feel. I can't imagine that this is what it typically feels like when you are only dating someone and learning about them ... It feels so much greater than that. So I'm going with it. I have a lot of hurdles to get over from the past few months - trust, insecurities, fear of being hurt, but C makes all of that seem worth it.