a song to feel | sufjan stevens

  

I fell in love again
All things go, all things go
Drove to Chicago
All things know, all things know
...
You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
...
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go
...
I drove to New York
In the van, with my friend
We slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
...
I was in love with the place
In my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind
...
You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
...
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go
...
If I was crying
In the van, with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land
...
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

on the day of my death

I saw this posted on Twitter yesterday and have to share it here. So, when I get burned out, or feel like my work is so so tiny and small and insignificant, I can come back and read this.

http://photofocus.com/2012/09/29/on-the-day-of-my-death/

On The Day Of My Death

by Scott Bourne

"This post is a bit off the beaten path but there is a point. If you don’t want to go on reading, here is the executive summary. Photography is fun, it’s also very, very important. So do a good job. Watch the video above to get the six-minute version of why photography matters.

For those of you reading on, this may seem off-putting or morbid or even depressing. That is NOT my intention. In fact as I write this, I am in a great and happy mood. I am trying to make a point that has become very important to me as I get closer to the end of my life. My hope is that I can pass this on to those who are further away from that day than I – and that you will make the most of it.

I am much older than the average Photofocus reader. I’ve lived a generally charmed life. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had plenty of challenges, and made plenty of mistakes. I’ve had to overcome them all. But I’ve also had tremendous joy and success. The mistakes I made in my life are past. The bad things that happened to me are also past. I learned long ago that I can’t change the past and what matters most is what I do next. That’s where I’ve found success. It’s always in that NEXT moment. It’s one of the advantages of aging (yes there are a few!) I have the wisdom to apply the knowledge I’ve gained throughout my lifetime. In my case, my wisdom is to recognize that the successes I’ve had are all tied one way or another to photography. I’ve learned the importance of helping others by using a camera. I wish I had learned this earlier. I hope you learn it sooner than I did, and that this post gets you headed in that direction.

Almost everything good that has happened to me has happened to me because of (or surrounding) my love of making photographs. Telling people’s stories, capturing special moments, sharing, and protecting them – it’s all been amazing.

But we all owe a debt. Tomorrow is promised to no one. My time will come soon enough. Actually, I have no way to know when I will die, but I suspect it is going to be sooner rather than later. So I’ve been thinking about it. And it’s been quite freeing. Especially since I’ve come to realize, it will be no big deal.

On the day of my death – nothing will really change. The daily newspaper will be delivered, the dry cleaning will still need to be picked up. If it’s a Friday, the detailer will still come out of habit and detail whatever car I have sitting in the driveway – (He’ll be surprised when he rings the doorbell and I’m not there to pay him!) People will argue online about Mac v. Windows, Android v. iPhone. Folks will do their grocery shopping, go to the movies, read a book, drink a coffee and water their lawns. The dog will get his walk and the pool man will come rake the leaves out of the pool. The sun will rise and set as always. Virtually nobody and I mean nobody will notice my passing. Life will go on – except for me – and that’s the way it should be. That is the order of things. I used to wonder about it but now I see it’s beauty and simplicity. The fact that we know we will die incites us to do great things while we are alive.

We each have (on average) 2.5 billion seconds to do what we’re here to do. I have used as many of those seconds as I can making photographs. I have no children. I have no grandchildren. On the day of my death, those photographs will be all that’s really left of me. They are my progeny. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been so intertwined with photography. It’s a way for me to leave some small sliver of myself behind for others. It’s proof of my very existence.

It might be easy to confuse the difference between an insignificant life and an insignificant death. I don’t think my life or any life is insignificant. So please read carefully. I am saying my death will be insignificant. Not my life. The reason for this discussion is simple. I am trying to share the importance of making meaningful images. They will live on past all of us. Whether you have children or not, the images you make today may outlive you AND your children.

My photography is my only chance I have to exercise control over my fate. My photographs are all that will be left of me when I go. I think about this every day. Not in a morbid way. But in a hopeful one. I don’t fear death. I actually embrace the concept. I realize that the tall old trees in the forest need to fall so that light can filter down to the smaller, younger trees. It’s an important part of life’s cycle. Because like all humans, I am self-aware. I think about the chance I have to matter even after I pass.

While the day of my death will be routine – it is my hope that for those who go on past me, their routine may be occasionally – if only for a second – impacted by a memory of one of my photographs, or my books, or my posters, or my training videos or my talks at a photo convention, etc.

What causes me to think about this so often is the fact that many of my subjects are not self-aware. The eagles, bears, mountain lions and wolves I’ve photographed don’t have the curse or the blessing (depending on how you look at it) of knowing they are mortal. They just do what they are supposed to do every day. For them, there is only the now. There is no tomorrow. I wonder what our lives would be like if we could live that way too?

When you make your next photograph, think about how important it just might be. It might be the last photo made of that subject – or YOUR last photo – period. Make sure it’s a good one. That way – whether anybody notices you’re gone or not – they will notice that you were here.

I hope you see just how important this business of memory protection really is and that you will get as much from photography as I have. We will meet at the end of the road one day. I suspect we’ll still be able to see each other’s “portfolio” in that next place. I’m looking forward to seeing what each of you accomplishes on your journey to the end of the road and I hope you make it a meaningful trip."

it's finally fall | all things pumpkin

I decided to take the last two nights off of editing and relax ... and bake :) I have been craving all things pumpkin and made two fall recipes. The first were pumpkin spice rice krispies which of course are ridiculously simple and delicious and the second recipe, a little piece of heaven in each bite, Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese Muffins.

 

Here's the recipe for the best pumpkin muffins you'll ever have:

 

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins

 

24 Muffins

 

Ingredients:

 

For the Filling

8 oz. Cream Cheese, Softened

1 Cup Confectioner's Sugar

 

For the Muffins

3 Cups All-Purpose Flour

1 Tsp. Ground Cinnamon

1 Tsp. Ground Nutmeg

1 Tsp. Ground Cloves

1 Tbsp. + 1 Tsp. Pumpkin Pie Spice

1 Tsp. Salt

1 Tsp. Baking Soda

4 Large Eggs

2 Cups Sugar

2 Cups Pumpkin Puree

1 1/4 Cups Vegetable Oil

 

For the Topping

1/2 Cup Sugar

5 Tbsp. Flour

1 1/2 Tsp. Ground Cinnamon

4 Tbsp. Cold, Unsalted Butter, Cut Into Pieces

 

Directions

1. To prepare the filling, combine the cream cheese and confectioners' sugar in a medium bowl and mix well until blended and smooth. Transfer the mixture to a piece of plastic wrap and shape into a log about 1 1/2" in diameter. Smooth the plastic wrap tightly around the log and reinforce with a piece of foil. Transfer to the freezer and chill until at least slightly firm, at least one hour.

 

2. To make the muffins, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin pans with paper liners. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, pumpkin pie spice, salt and baking soda; whisk to blend. In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the eggs, sugar, pumpkin puree and oil. Mix on medium-low speed until blended. With the mixer on low speed, add in the dry ingredients, mixing until just incorporated.

 

3. To make the topping, combine the sugar, flour and cinnamon in a small bowl; whisk to blend. Add in the butter pieces and cut into the dry ingredients with a pastry blender or two forks until the mixture is coarse and crumbly. Transfer to the refrigerator until ready to use.

 

4. To assemble the muffins, fill each muffin well with a small amount of batter, just enough to cover the bottom of the liner (1-2 tablespoons). Slice the lof of creame cheese filling into 24 equal pieces. Place a slice of cream cheese mixture into each muffin well. Divide the remaining batter among the muffin cups, placing on top of the cream cheese to cover completely. Sprinkle a small amount of the topping mixture over each of the muffin wells.

 

5. Bake for 20-25 minutes. Transfer to wire rach and let cool completely before serving.

 

** Side note, I had some left over batter and topping so I used a mini muffin pan and made mini-muffins for my nieces :) **

 

fire starter sessions | session one

photo by s. zamil

I am making it a point to really take my time and answer the questions throughout this book as honestly as I can. I started off trying to answer them on a whim so that I could move on and devour the book, but I knew that the answers wouldn't be honest to my core. The answers below have been thought about and worked over and over, over the past few weeks. It might take me longer to get through this book but I'm okay with that :)

What are you intensely interested in? While you're at it, include your moderate curiosities.

I am intensely interested in people and their life experiences. How they feel about life, what they've chosen for their life, who they spend their life with, what they embrace, what they are passionate about, what makes them tick, laugh, love, cry, angry, curious, jealous and exhilirated.

I am intensely interested in traveling and seeing new places, exploring new cities, feeling any energy and culture that is so different from where I live. Walking around new places and exploring by myself, forming opinions and thoughts and feelings on my own.

I am intensely interested in love and how each person falls into it, nourishes it, cherishes it, grows and holds onto it.

I am moderately curious about spirituality and religion.
|  |  | 

You go to the best cocktail party ever. It's a life-changing event because you meet the most with-it, interesting, empowered people, and each of them can contribute to your career and interests in some way ... 

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Who was there?

I don't really look up to specific people - it is more personality traits, successes and failures that I aspire to rather than an actual person. If I had to answer this question with life stories - this is who would be there:

- Someone who started out with nothing and became fabulously successful personally and financially.
- Someone who had a life set out for them but decided to go against the grain and completely change their path.
- Someone who has been married for 25+ years and is still crazy in love.
- Someone who has decided to go about life on their own, as a single woman, and has made one hell of an adventure for herself.
- Someone who has left their hometown for a new city to live in with nothing waiting there for them.
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What kind of information did they share with you?

 Each of the above would share with me how they got where they are in life. And why. Why they chose the life that they did, because each of those lifestyles do not just happen to someone. They require you to make decisions and to consciously shape your own life.
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What did they ask you?

 Exactly what I asked them. Because the process of talking through your ideas and life with other like-minded people can, in my experience, help you to see your life and your dreams more clearly.
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How did they offer to help you?

 They wouldn't have to offer any type of help - listening to their stories, asking questions and learning from each of those experiences would be such great guidance in and of itself.
 |  |  | 

What could you talk about late into the night with like-minded people without running of things to say?
After this weekend, I learned that the answer to this would be anything that involves passion. If someone is a passionate human being, whether they are passionate about art and life or cookies and milk - it doesn't matter to me. True passion is the most interesting component, in my opinion, to a person.
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I'm still thinking about these last two questions - I'll come back to them soon.

What activities make you feel really useful, alive, and strong?

When do you feel like a rock star, a gifted contributor, a very cool and purposeful human being? In terms of things you do, when do you feel most like yourself?

What do you want to be known for?

vivian maier | chicago history museum

I have this habit. I have a hard time just laying in bed, turning off the day and falling asleep. I'm on a computer from 8:30-5:00 and then come home and am typically on a computer editing/working from 6:00-11:00 or later. By the time I lay down, I need something to take my mind off of the day. 

Lately, I've been filling that time using my iPad and watching videos online about photography, photographers, the history of photography, different techniques. 

This is how I discovered Vivian Maier.

Research her. Watch the news special on YouTube that a local Chicago station picked up. The story is incredible and the lingering mystery about who she was adds to the magic of her images. If you're lucky enough to get out to Chicago, go visit the History Museum and see her exhibit.

After learning about Maier, my newest Christmas wish list dreams? A Rolleiflex.

 

 

 

all things go, drove to chicago, all things know

This could not describe my feelings toward this past weekend any more perfectly. It was filled with adventure, quiet moments, laughter, new friends, self-exploration and all things wonderful.

I am absolutely sure that these past few months have the been the best of my life. I am doing me. I am exploring all that I feel and just going on a whim. I'm turning those whims into what I want out of life and busting ass to try and make that life happen. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a husband who supports my crazy dreams and need for adventure. Chicago has changed me.

Friday morning I woke up really early, waited to get my new iPhone and hit the road.

Got into Chicago around 4:00 and my GPS, as always, prefers the ghetto-alternate route and

re-routed me off the highway.

Lake Michigan legit looked like the ocean on the way in. I couldn't get over it.

Chicago, why must you be so pretty and tempting?!

After checking into the hotel, I didn't have any plans for the night so I decided to be adventurous and explore Greektown since it was my first time staying in that neighborhood. I got bundled up, stopped at Starbucks for a Pumpkin Latte and started walking. And then it started pouring rain. No umbrella. Soaking wet. So I found the closest bar and ordered a jack and diet coke. But, I was surrounded by a complete meat fest and decided just to embrace the rain and head back to my hotel.

Once I got back to my hotel I changed into comfy clothes and had a pretty fabulous evening of drinking and fun.

And then my weekend really started. 48 hours of photos, me time, fun time, new people time, music time, food and drink time, chicago loving time - every single minute of Saturday and Sunday were fucking wonderful.

Saturday morning I met up with one of my couples who are getting married in Cleveland next year but live in Chicago and did their engagement session. We met up at the Chicago theatre, moved to the Riverwalk and then over to the Art Institute + Buckingham fountain. I loved them. She reminded me so much of Kim, personality and looks, and I could have talked to her all day. She's also a PA so it was fun to hear what she had to say about being a PA and get an idea of what Rick's future will look like.

After the session I took a cab over to the northside and visited the History Museum to see one of my favorite photographer's work exhibited, Vivian Maier. I took a bunch of photos and will write about this experience more. It was breathtaking.

After the museum, I walked. And walked. And walked. I must have walked six or more miles just exploring. Visited small shops and explored the streets. Smoked. Listened to music. Felt the sunshine and the breeze. Grabbed lunch (the most delicious turkey burger everrr - it had grilled zuchinni and roasted red peppers on it).

Finally headed back to my hotel around 4:00 and got ready for my evening out.

I attended my first Meetup group in Chicago and had so much fun. I will definitely do a Meetup any time I visit Chicago from here on out. I met up with four other girls for dinner at Bandera on Michigan Avenue and had some strong drinks and a delicious meal - awesome conversation and lots of laughs. I will definitely meet up with two of the girls from that dinner again. Making new friends, on your own, in a new city is so refreshing.

After dinner, one of the girls came with me to the Riverfront Theatre to see Conor Oberst. I love that man. Performance was great, venue was great. Got out of the concert, taxi'd it to Lincoln Park for a quick drink at Matilda's and then went back to my hotel.

Woke up Sunday morning and got to spend a few hours with my favorite Chicago couple, Jonathan & Renee. They picked me up from the hotel and we drove me around to new neighborhoods that I hadn't seen yet and we took photos in the Warehouse Disctrict and Wicker Park/Bucktown. Loved the urban feel to these areas more than any other part of Chicago I've seen yet. I can't wait for their wedding - they are such great people; individually and together. The best kind.

Relaxed at the hotel for a little bit and then headed out for my last session of the weekend with Sara and Vince. Renee sent them over to me as they just recently got engaged - they are amazing. I have not had that much fun with a couple or related to two people more during a session than I have with them. We went all over downtown for photos and made a quick stop to Northerly Island - Vince shared his passion for Chicago and gave me all kinds of new insights to the city. After the session they took me to Sheffields for craft beer and dinner. Craft beer? Mind blown. I get it now, I really get it. I plan to dive into the world of craft beers asap. We talked about what they are passionate about together and separately, how both are so important. We talked about life and the city and relationships (old and new). We talked about beer, and their guinea pigs and my adorable Bella. I could have talked to them all night. A fantastically interesting couple who I wish I lived closer too.

After dinner I had planned to go see an Improv show at IO but after thirty minutes of looking for parking, I decided to say screw it and just drive around the city. I drove through the neighborhoods - all the way down Halsted, all the way back - took Vince's advice and drove the shoreway (so gorgeous at night). Smoked. Listened to Ani DiFranco. Listened to Conor. Listened to some Trey Songz and Weezy. Sang. Smoked. And finally went back to my hotel.

This was my favorite trip to Chicago to date. The past two times that I have been I went with my best friend. Which was amazing and a total blast. What was different about this time is that I didn't have any one to fall back on or rely on if I was bored or needed help. It forced me to be more interactive, to be more social and meet new people. It forced me to learn and explore the city in a way that I could not possibly see it with someone else around. I feel so much like myself in Chicago. The people that I met and spent my weekend with? Those are the kind of people I want my life to be filled with. I want to be surrounded by people who are passionate and interesting and up for adventure.

Damn I love that city.

Until next time Chicago.

last week

 I went to a Colors & Bottles evening with Chrissy & Mandy at Bottlehouse Brewery in Coventry and then we went over to Melt for dinner. Such a fun night.

 

I had lots of ridiculous conversations with Kelly and I can conclude with 100% certainty that my bestfriend is much, much funnier than yours.

I found this interview through twitter earlier last week and I love this photographer's response. "emotions like anger and fear ... being puzzled, jealousy, talented people ... knowing that I haven't even begun to make serious work yet, knowing there is more out there."

I was that person. I woke up at 3AM and ordered the iPhone 5. I am seriously considering delaying my trip to Chicago this weekend by a few hours in hopes that UPS will deliver it early in the day.

On Friday after work I met up with B at Summit to shop for her "third interview outfit" and we found out today that she got the job - so excited for her.

 

I photographed a wedding on Saturday.

 

I photographed a proposal and an engagement session on Sunday.

 

 

I met up with my hubs after the engagement session and we ate a really delicious dinner at Sweet Melissa's and then went home to watch Titanic in blu-ray. I was exhausted. It was a non-stop, very long but very wonderful weekend.

 

I spent Monday decorating the house for fall and cleaning. Bailey came out and lounged around for a bit and we did some house shopping together...and dressed up like five years olds.

 

Oh, and ya know, no biggie. Just e-mailing back and forth with a couple from Australia about flying to NYC next weekend for a session.