d-day

I really have no idea how to even start this.

I was sick for days leading up to yesterday. Nervous, anxious, sad, overwhelmed.

My mom and I spent Sunday night staying up until midnight - she colored my hair, gave me a fresh manicure and we tried on lots of different outfits and settled on a slightly showy dress that makes me feel pretty great.

And then it was Monday morning. I could have thrown up a million different times. We got up to the third floor court room and he wasn't there. I kept telling her he wasn't going to show ...

and then there he was.

And he smiled. And he joked about my mom and I both getting the same memo on wearing jean jackets. And it felt like the old Rick. And I breathed a sigh of relief because I felt like this was all going to go down well. He was going to be civil. We were going to get through the next hour and leave there feeling at peace ...

and then he showed his colors for the millionth time.

After signing in we had to go fill out one last form before the hearing. I filled it out and signed it and told him that he needed to review my answers to make sure he agreed before signing. He thumbed through it and very quietly said "this sucks." After a few deep breaths, and without looking up at me, he asked me if I was sure that this is what I wanted and I said yes. After what felt like an eternity later just sitting, staring at the papers he looked up at me and he laughed.

Laughed at me and said "I'm not going to do this." He then got up, got half way down the hallway, my mom called out to him and he turned around, laughed a bit more and repeated himself.

I was shocked, I had no idea what the hell had just happened. Before he rounded the corner all I could blurt out was "I officially hate him, I officially hate him." I dropped my head to the table and started crying uncontrollably. Then I just got pissed. So angry. The rest of the court details are unimportant but I was instructed on what I would need to do and we left.

I chain smoked, I called my biggest supporters and told them what had happened and my feelings of hate grew exponentially. I have never hated another person in my life but he has done this. He has hurt me on so many ridiculous levels and to come into that courthouse knowing full well he was going to walk out and screw me one last time - it's been enough.

And of course the crazy didn't stop there. He text my mom the majority of the afternoon/evening and the texts were all over the place. This was the general flow of messages:

 

1 - I'm so sorry, please tell her I'm sorry, she's my one true love, my best friend, my everything.

2 - I just couldn't stay, I saw my family at the courthouse and couldn't be a part of ending this.

3 - I'll be moving out of state soon anyway so tell her she'll never have to see me again.

4 - Your daughter sealed this marriage ending because she became a slut after she moved out.

5 - I would do anything to make this work.

6 - I feel convicted by God that I can't simply lay down and allow this divorce to happen.

7 - I'm going to stick around and fight for her money.

 

That's just a summary - there were lots of nasty messages to my mom. I hate him for that, too.

 

And then there was this morning.

 

I literally checked my old e-mail for the first time since May. Why I did this I have no idea. And low and behold I received an e-mail from two minutes before I signed in:

 

"I signed the dissolution against my will. I'm contesting this divorce completely. I want you to be responsible for half of the debts incurred in this marriage as of June 1st, 2013 including credit and mortgage. I will fight for a share of Full Bloom Photography. I'm taking this year off of school to fight as hard as I can. You will not screw me over."

 

And then I lost it again. So now I have to retain an attorney and fight for my business, my livelihood, my baby that I have spent my life on for the past five years. I have to fight him on stupid ridiculous shit that will not be held up anywhere like the mortgage that my name isn't even on and credit that is 150% not mine.

 

All of this on top of a full time job, a full time business and managing old and new relationships.

 

I'm tired.

 

Don't know what I would do without this lady by my side.

 

nauseous

Tomorrow it's all finalized. The hearing is at 10AM.

Yesterday's wedding was just miles from our house and as I drove back to my apartment I kept thinking about driving by the house before this is all officially done. I felt sad, empty and wishing that I was driving back to our home just one more time. But I didn't. I talked myself out of it and instead drove straight to my apartment.

Seeing him tomorrow will be the first time that I saw him since I gave Bella to him and it will more than likely be the last time I see him again. Writing that instead of just internalizing it literally makes me feel like I need to throw up.

Mom came into town yesterday and will go with me tomorrow so that eases some of the anxiety, but overall, I'm dreading it. It's equal parts dreading and relief that this will all be over. That I can officially move forward and not be bound to him legally.

Nauseous.

kurt halsey

In High School I fell in love with Kurt Halsey. I printed off every piece of his that I could find, I cut them out, collaged them in notebooks. I was that kid. And then time went on and I forgot about him.

 

I was at Target last night and saw a girl with her arms completely sleeved in his art work and ran home to browse through old pieces.

 

Still love him just as much.

maybe someday

"There is only the thing that happened, and how much it hurts, and how it ripples through the rest of the love you experience. I’m sure there are still days in which the last waves of what we had radiate through your most happy, placid moments. I’m sure they still have the ability to take root somewhere and rot out your complacency.

Memories have a way of doing that."

- Thought Catalog -

I find myself today really missing Rick's friendship. When I feel that kind of missing I try to dig as deep as a I can to make sure that it's nothing more than that and it truly isn't ever. I would love to catch up with him, hear about his life, grab a drink. Play with our dog. Tell him all about my new life and adventures. Have his company and be around someone who knew me inside and out for the better part of a decade.

Maybe someday.

mumford & sons

This past Thursday at 4:00 I got a phone call, did some last minute rearranging and drove 2+ hours through Ohio, WV and PA to go see Mumford & Sons live. Such a fun, spontaneous, much needed evening.

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes,
I struggle to find any truth in your lies,
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know,
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die,
And where you invest your love, you invest your life."

 

today

Couch, cuddles, football and his greatest love .... powerade.

i chose it and it ran its course

"I needed to marry him and he needed to marry me. Our marriage wasn't all bad either. In fact, it was mostly very good. My ex-husband and I had many great, swoonable moments in our relationship and marriage too. He could be very romantic and genuine. He always made me laugh. He appreciated me and loved me in his own way. It was a relationship that I needed to have. I am happy that I chose it.

I chose it and it ran its course.

Life has such a way, doesn't it?"

 

http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com